


Ch... ch... ch... ch... Changes

by storywriter55



Series: Milestones [19]
Category: White Collar
Genre: Aging, Gen, Humor, Menopause, Vasectomy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-05
Updated: 2020-11-05
Packaged: 2021-03-08 22:01:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 24,793
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27393892
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/storywriter55/pseuds/storywriter55
Summary: Middle age catches up to our favorite couple. Yes...even them! Part of the 'Milestones ' series (13.2 years)
Relationships: Neal Caffrey/Sara Ellis
Series: Milestones [19]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/80614
Kudos: 4





	1. Chapter 1

Sara sat in front of her makeup table, eyes darting back and forth between her stunned reflection in the mirror and the small purse calendar she held in her trembling hands. This could not possibly be happening, no way, no how, she kept repeating to herself. 

She took a deep breath and did another check: 48 days.

How come she hadn’t thought to check before now?

No, no, no, no. This could NOT be happening again!

She thought back to the previous fall when she’d accidentally gotten pregnant at the ripe old age of 43 and the heartbreak that ensued for both Neal and herself when she’d lost the baby at 12 weeks. She couldn’t go through that again; she couldn’t put Neal through that again. Although shocked at first to find out she’d managed to get pregnant in the first place, they had slowly grown to embrace the idea of growing their family to include another little baby girl. Neal, especially, had taken a real shine to the idea; he’d been totally devastated when Sara had miscarried in their kitchen in a most dramatic way – going into shock and needing weeks to recover.

She counted back, checking her calendar once more as she attempted to figure out what was going on. She recalled the vaginal infection she’d gotten in March, just before Hope’s birthday. Dr. Cooper had said it was due to the spermicidal cream she’d been using with her diaphragm so they’d had to revert to using condoms for awhile – something Neal absolutely hated. Her mind churned... there was that one night they’d gone out to dinner with the Burkes and Neal had made a fuss about slipping on a condom – he was tired, really turned on and impatient to get on with it and she remembered giving in to his pleading eyes, considering she’d just finished her period... her last period.

‘Sara!’ she heard coming from downstairs. Neal calling her down for dinner. ‘Honey, dinner’s on the table!’

She stared ahead, her breathing shallow. She needed to get to the bottom of this ASAP, get a home pregnancy test, figure this out. This was NOT happening again. She was a year older now and after losing that baby, both she and Neal had truly made peace with the family they had – two great kids who were finally becoming more independent and self-sufficient.

‘Honey, what are you doing?’ Neal said, his voice impatient, as he appeared in the doorway to their bedroom.

‘WHAT?’ Sara screamed, startled by his sudden appearance and just generally pissed off.

‘What is your problem?’ Neal barked back. ‘I’ve been calling you for ten minutes!’

She took the small date book and stuck it back in the drawer of the small vanity. 

‘Fine!’ she answered, her voice snarky, before standing to follow him out.

WCWCWC

‘So, we still on for dinner Saturday night?’ Peter asked as he and Neal sat in the White Collar offices early on Wednesday afternoon. The remnants of the pastrami sandwiches Peter had ordered in for them sat between the on the desk, along with half finished sodas and some fries.

Neal let out an uncharacteristically loud burp and grimaced; his stomach just couldn’t take that kind of abuse anymore.

‘Yeah, come by around 6:00’ Neal said, stretching out and propping his feet up on Peter’s desk. ‘Is El still off seafood?’ he asked as he thought ahead to what he might serve his guests.

Peter let out a puff of air as he shook his head. ‘I don’t know what El’s into these days; she’s acting like a crazy woman.’

‘Oh, yeah?’ Neal said, prodding his best friend for more.

Peter lowered his voice as he looked around, not wanting to make any disparaging remarks about his wife in the workplace where there were prying ears at every turn.

‘It’s menopause’ he whispered dramatically. 

‘I only have one piece of advice for you, buddy’ he continued. ‘When your time comes, head for the hills!’

Neal looked at Peter curiously. Elizabeth was always very sweet and kind to him; he didn’t know what his best friend was complaining about. He, on the other hand, was married to Sara Ellis, the woman of his dreams – when she wasn’t being nightmarish. He adored his wife, loved her crazy sense of humor, the way she would call things as she saw them, her hot, sexy body, the fact that he always knew where he stood with her. She kept him sane and he’d never want to live without her but lately...

‘Well, Sara’s on the warpath and I don’t even know why’ Neal added in commiseration. ‘This morning she barked at me for ten minutes when she found a sock under the bed. I mean, really? She’s been acting really weird lately.’

Peter’s eyes grew in response and his eyebrows rose, practically touching the ceiling. He knew Sara Ellis all too well.

‘Alright, well, weird-er’ Neal corrected.

Sara had always been a straight shooter – but lately, she’d been downright brutal at times and Neal was learning to duck whenever he saw that sinister look in her eyes. 

The men looked down towards the bullpen, noticing Clinton Jones looking rather more high strung that usual.

‘What’s up with Jones?’ Neal asked. ‘He barely looked at me when I said hi.’

‘Ah! Ivy’s due in a couple of weeks and he’s... let’s just say, he’s walking on eggshells’ Peter explained as Neal nodded, remembering all too well how Sara had been a crazy banshee in the days preceding their kids’ births.

‘Well, I guess I should get back to work. Those artifacts aren’t going to authenticate themselves’ Neal said with a sigh as he stood to leave.

WCWCWC

‘That can’t be right, Dr. Cooper’ Sara Ellis said as she sat across from her doctor.

‘What? Did you not think it would happen to you?’ Joanne Cooper said with a laugh.

‘Well... not yet anyway. I’m only 44!’ Sara said, the number sticking in her throat as she spoke it.

‘Sara, it doesn’t happen overnight. It’s gradual... and until the well runs dry for 12 consecutive months, it’s called perimenopause’ the doctor explained.

‘Look, would you rather I sit here and tell you you’re pregnant?’ asked the doctor.

‘No, no. Of course not... it’s just that... Are you sure?’ Sara asked again.

She considered herself a woman in the prime of her life. She worked hard to look and feel good, she still looked pretty damn hot for a forty something mother of two – at least that’s what her ex-conman husband always told her. They still had a hot sex life and she could keep up with most women half her age at work. Menopause was just not something she’d given much thought to; it conjured up images of old, dried up, miserable women with bad drugstore dye jobs.

‘Sara!’ Dr. Cooper said, bringing her out of her reverie. ‘It’s the circle of life, I’m afraid you’re going to have to deal with it like the rest of us.’

Sara gave her a frustrated glare as her eyes narrowed.

‘Look, the odds are astronomically against it, but you could still get pregnant. Believe me, I get plenty of forty something mothers in here who thought they were safe’ she warned.

‘I hate that diaphragm - and I keep getting infections from that stupid gel’ Sara moaned in her usual no-nonsense way.

‘What about doing something permanent? Have you and Neal ever talked about him getting a vasectomy?’ the doctor asked.

Sara stared ahead in surprise. A vasectomy? The word had never even been uttered in their house. Neal was squeamish about getting a flu shot; someone cutting into his junk would likely put him right over the top.

‘Or, you could get your right tube tied’ Dr. Cooper continued. ‘...but that kind of operation is quite a bit more invasive than a vasectomy and frankly, I’m sure Neal would be the first to admit, you’ve had enough to deal with over the years when it comes to your lady parts.’

Sara rolled her eyes in agreement.

A vasectomy... looked like that word was going to have to be uttered in their house after all.

WCWCWC

‘Do you know what Neal did this morning?’ Sara said, her voice shrill as El leaned in to listen.

‘He actually trimmed his toenails on the bed. I mean... ahhh, I’m telling you El, he drives me crazy!’ she whined as the man from the table next to them, turned to glare at them.

‘Believe me, I get it. I really don’t know what happens to men when they turn 50 – they become these insensitive louts’ Elizabeth agreed as she took a bite of her salad.

‘And then, he looks at me all dewey-eyed like he doesn’t get why I’m getting angry’ Sara added, out of breath.

Lately, nagging Neal had become a favorite pastime – although she wasn’t quite sure when the change had taken place or why. Come to think of it, Neal had always trimmed his toenails on the bed, ever since they’d been married. She dismissed the realization without a second thought; it was easier to just stay pissed off at him than to try to analyze why those ‘cute’ things about Neal were suddenly driving her round the bend.

‘What time is the shower on Sunday?’ she asked.

‘Two o’clock. Oh, you should see the great little outfit I got for the baby. It’s a pair of coveralls with a matching sweater and socks. Sooooo cute!’ Elizabeth bragged, between bites.

Sara smiled as she remembered all the cute baby clothes she’d gotten at her baby showers. She thought back to her conversation with Dr. Cooper – sadly, those days were now permanently behind them. 

‘Clinton is supposed to come by and get the crib this weekend’ Sara said, thinking back to the beautiful oak crib June had given them before Hope was born. 

It was gorgeous and it brought back wonderful memories of when the kids were little. She recalled how scared she’d been when she’d been going through her chemotherapy treatments – scared for herself but also scared that the crib Hope had outgrown would never be used again for another baby.

‘I saw her last week at Peter’s office’ El added, speaking of their friend, Ivy Jones. ‘She’s literally as big as a small condo.’

Sara laughed in response and the man at the table next to them, glanced over again. 

Women!

WCWCWC

Neal fell into bed, tired from a long day at work and an evening spent watching Liam throw hoops in a smelly gym. He curled up against Sara, who sat up in bed, glasses on her nose, reading e-mails from work.

‘C’mon, honey, put that away’ Neal whined as he planted his face between her breasts, humming.

‘Neal... stop...’ she answered, most unconvincingly.

Neal’s hand moved down her thigh, palming her hips and moaning. It didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out where this was going. Sara felt her willpower start to fade as Neal continued to move his hands in that wonderful way he had, easily finding all those special spots on her writhing body. She let out a soft moan as Neal (accidentally) grazed the laptop, sending it flying off the bed. 

‘Mmmm’ Neal murmured, his mouth moving to her ear, sending her reading glasses flying in another direction. 

‘What do you say, baby... huh?’ he said, looking for informed consent.

Sara ran her hand down his cheek, bringing his face to hers as she kissed him, biting his bottom lip softly as Neal’s hands made their way between her legs. Noting an unfamiliar lack of lubrication, he decided he’d have to work a little bit harder; she probably hadn’t had time to work up to it yet. He continued with the preliminaries, distraught that she wasn’t reacting as she usually did. 

‘Oww’ Sara moaned as Neal began to work it more insistently.

‘What?’ he asked, absentmindedly as he kept kissing her neck, moving down to her breasts as he deposited soft, lingering kisses all the way down.

‘It just hurts’ she said, realizing that the usual, helpful lubrication just wasn’t materializing.

‘Hurts?’ Neal repeated, doubling his efforts to rectify the situation.

‘Neal! Stop it!’ she said, pissed off that her body wasn’t reacting as it usually did.

Neal had always been a problem solver – able to think outside the box (no pun intended) and he wasn’t quite ready to give up quite yet. He let his mouth move down her belly, lifting the comforter and bringing his face to her belly button on its way to where the problem seemed to be. Sara was about to push him off when his wet mouth finally arrived at its destination, Neal’s tongue working it’s magic – as it always did.

Sara let out a loud groan as Neal started to take care of business, her legs relaxing to give him better access. By the time he came up for air, Sara was in business, forgetting all about the little hiccup. He brought his mouth back up to her neck and positioned himself, ready to take the plunge.

‘Whoa, whoa, whoa!’ Sara said, thinking back to her conversation with Dr. Cooper. ‘Condom!’

Neal let out a frustrated moan. ‘Aww, c’mon babe... I’m sure it’s fine’ he murmured, trying desperately to stay in the zone.

‘No!’ she repeated insistently, thinking back to that feeling of utter anguish she’d felt earlier on in the week as she’d stared at herself in the mirror. ‘No pay, no way!’

Neal flipped onto his back with a groan, acting like an impulsive 16 year old whose mom had just walked in on him doing the nasty; suddenly, he felt himself deflating and Sara, who’d now gotten herself worked up (or rather had let Neal work her up) turned to face him, trying to save the situation before the point of no return. She reached into the bedside table, grabbing for a foil packet as she ran her hand languidly towards Neal’s groin, realizing she had some damage control to do... and quick.

‘C’mon Neal! Don’t be like that’ she crooned as he lay there, pouting. ‘I’ll take care of it’ she added with a gleam in her eye.

TBC


	2. Chapter 2

Liam Theodore Caffrey was like all eight year old boys; he loved sausage pizza, enjoyed playing video games, loved to play outdoors with his best friend Will and enjoyed spending time with his Uncle Mozzie, every chance he got. In stark contrast to his older sister who was headstrong and outspoken, Liam was quiet and unassuming with dark blond hair that captured the sun and green eyes that grew darker when the sun went down. 

He slipped into his parents’ bedroom, in search of his dad, whom he’d been assured by his know-it-all sister, was up there... somewhere.

‘Dad?’ he asked tentatively, seeing no sign of the man.

Neal looked up from under the bed where he’d been collecting dirty clothes for the midweek load of laundry and let out a yelp as he hit his head on the bed frame.

‘Ouch!’ he yelled out as he suddenly appeared, rubbing his noggin. ‘What is it, buddy?’

‘Daddy, we got this paper at school, it’s for a basketball camp this summer’ the boy said, waving said piece of paper in his hand.

Neal put down the laundry basket he’d been carrying and sat down on the edge of the bed, inviting his son to do the same. ‘Let’s see that’ he mumbled, still smarting from the attack on his skull.

He glanced at the sheet of paper, noting that it was an invitation to a city wide elite camp for up and comers – if you could be described as an ‘up and comer’ at the age of eight. Liam had been showing a lot of interest, and promise, for the sport as of late and the phys ed teacher at Ridgeway Elementary School had put together a small team of interested boys, anxious to foster the talent he’d observed in class. Neal was a regular spectator at practices in the school’s gym and he’d noticed, all modesty aside, that his son was by far the most promising little player of the bunch.

‘This is for kids from the whole school district, not just your school’ Neal commented as Liam nodded.

‘Mister Brooks said I could prefect my aim and get better’ he said as Neal smiled in response.

‘You mean ‘perfect’?’ Neal said as he ruffled his hair. Liam nodded enthusiastically, undeterred.  
‘Do you want to do this? It’s a whole two weeks of your summer holidays – are you ready to give that up?’ Neal asked, seeing the twinkle in his son’s eyes. 

‘Let me just check the dates’ Neal said, rising to grab the small date book he knew Sara kept in her make-up table. ‘I think Mom put in the dates for the cottage in here...’ he began as he started to leaf through the small calendar. ‘Sometime in...’ he stopped as he noticed the five little Xs on the dates back in March, but today was May 12th and the Xs had yet to reappear. 

He returned to the task at hand, flipping over to the month of August and noting the dates they’d booked for the cottage that summer – as usual, it was the last week before school.

‘You’re good, buddy. We don’t leave for the cottage until the week after the camp ends.’ Neal said absentmindedly as he flipped back to the month of March. 

‘Look, leave it with me and I’ll talk to Mom and we’ll get this filled out, okay?’ Neal added as he glanced at his son, standing there with a huge grin on his face. 

Liam pranced out of the room, disappearing from sight as Neal’s eyes returned to the pocket calendar, starting at the beginning of the year and noting Sara’s tidy little Xs appearing at regular intervals, almost precisely 28 days apart. Sara had also circled the mid-cycle dates, the times of the month when he remembered she’d been on his case about birth control. But after March 22nd, there’d been nothing and it was... May 12th he realized with concern as he checked his watch. 

He counted the days – 53 – and he let out an audible gasp.

WCWCWC

Sara stepped into the bedroom, carrying the clean basket of laundry and sighing as she set it down on the bed. 

‘That’s it! We’re good ‘till the weekend’ she said as she began to place things in their dresser drawers. 

Neal sat up in bed, checking the news on his laptop as he did most nights before going to sleep. He’d somehow managed to bite his tongue all evening, not wanting to have the discussion in front of the kids. Now that the house was quiet, he couldn’t hold back any longer. He reached out to where he’d placed the pocket calendar on the bedside table and he held it up menacingly as Sara frowned in response.

‘You want to tell me about this?’ he asked, accusingly.

Sara stared back, puzzled. ‘Hum... it’s a pocket calendar...?’ she said slowly, wondering what he was on about. 

‘We use it... to write down important dates...’ she continued, teasing her husband and watching as his face darkened.

Neal gave her a look of exasperation, his eyebrows raised as he waited for some sort of explanation; her sarcasm not appreciated – not in the least.

Suddenly, Sara clued in to what he might be referring to and she sat on the edge of the bed next to Neal, locking eyes with him.

‘Please... please... tell me you’re not....’ Neal pleaded, unable to finish his sentence.

‘No, no’ she responded, putting him immediately out of his misery as he let out a long, slow sigh.

‘Thank God, I’ve been going out of my mind for the past two hours’ Neal said. ‘What? Did you just forget to write down your last period?’ he asked – although truth be told, he couldn’t even remember her last period, something he usually kept close tabs on.

‘Not exactly...’ she answered evasively.

‘What do you mean?’ Neal asked, putting down the little book and sitting up straighter. Suddenly, all kinds of scenarios were running through his mind. Although Sara’s battle with cancer was behind her, had been for over 10 years, every once in a while the irrational fear that it might return reared its ugly head.

‘You’re not sick, are you?’ he asked, concern apparent in his voice.

‘No, honey, I’m not sick’ she answered although telling her husband she’d started down the long road to menopause was not something she’d planned on sharing with him quite yet.

He waited patiently for her to go on.

‘I missed a period and... well, I went to see Dr. Cooper last week and...’

‘Sara, for god’s sake, spit it out!’ Neal said, growing impatient.

‘It’s menopause, Neal’ she said loudly, suddenly standing and throwing her arms up in the air. ‘It’s goddam menopause.’

Neal looked at her disappointed face and stood to join her, letting a small laugh escape his lips.

He was greeted by a slap to the chest as Sara growled at him. ‘Because you think this is funny’ she screamed as Neal tried to placate her.

‘No, of course not, honey... it’s just, it’s just a relief. I thought you were pregnant and...’ he started as he tried to put his arms around his wife.

Sara was having none of it; she had her pride and a good part of her self-worth was tied to feeling young and healthy... and desirable. This was going to change everything and she wasn’t looking forward to all the horrible side effects related to the change of life – the irritability, the mood swings, the hot flashes, the weight gain, the night sweats.

‘Sara, come on’ Neal continued, his hand on her back. ‘Honey, it’s normal, it happens to every woman.’

Easy for him to say.

‘I’m only 44, Neal. That’s too soon!’ she declared in no uncertain terms.

Neal thought back to her latest little outbursts; although typically ‘Sara’, they had been particularly petty and he began to put two and two together, remembering Peter’s dire warning earlier in the week. He would definitely need to bone up on this and figure out how he was going to deal with a menopausal Sara. She was already the most fiery, outspoken woman he’d ever met and if he was going to survive the next few years, he’d have to learn how to adapt. He thought of loving, sexy Sara – she was somewhere in there and he reached out to her, bringing his lips to hers in an attempt to find her.

All he got for his trouble was another whack across the chest and a dirty look.

‘Neal! Stop it! This is no time to be... kissing me!’ she growled at him.

He continued, undeterred. He knew her all too well. ‘I’d say it’s the perfect time’ he crooned, calling on all his Caffrey charm to carry him through. Sara seemed to soften for a brief instant and he moved his lips to her ear, whispering.

‘Baby... you’re the sexiest woman I’ve ever known... that’s never gonna change’ he whispered into her ear, pulling out all the stops.

‘Stop...’ she responded weakly with another half-hearted slap to his chest.

Neal pulled back to look into her eyes, noting she was finally giving in to his charm.

‘At least, now, we don’t have to worry about you getting pregnant’ he said with a wide grin. ‘No more birth control... no more condoms. Total freedom!’ he said with his eye brows raised and a satisfied smile.

‘That’s just it... I could still get pregnant’ she corrected. ‘As a matter of fact, it’s more dangerous than ever since my periods are going to be irregular.’

Neal’s smile melted into a frown; not what he wanted to hear.

Sara moved back towards the bed, sitting as Neal joined her. Now that she’d burst his bubble, she had his full attention.

‘Neal, we’ve got to get this birth control thing settled once and for all. I keep getting these infections and Dr. Cooper doesn’t think I should use the diaphragm any more’ she began as his eyes narrowed.

‘It’s time to do something more... permanent’ she added as Neal stared back, suddenly worried he wasn’t going to like this one little bit.

‘You could wear a condom for the next few years...’ she began as Neal’s shoulders slouched. He hated those damn things, always had and the thought of having to pull on a rubber every time he wanted to make love to his wife was to say the least, unappealing.

‘Awww’ he said, whining like a three year old. ‘I hate those things.’

‘I know you do’ Sara said, taking his hand. ‘That’s why Dr. Cooper suggested we talk about... a...vasectomy’ she added, her voice so quiet Neal wasn’t sure he heard right.

‘A vasectomy!’ he repeated, his voice loud. ‘As in snip, snip?’

‘Shh, Neal!’ she admonished, aware that the kids were sleeping nearby. ‘It’s just... a suggestion.’

‘Well, what are our other options?’ he asked. ‘...besides condoms.’

‘I could see about a tubal ligation but Dr. Cooper says that’s a much more invasive procedure. You know, honey, a vasectomy is really not that big a deal’ she explained. ‘The doctor can do it right in his office and the recovery time is just a week or so.’

Neal looked on in horror at the thought of having his junk manipulated in such a crude manner. He shuddered at the thought and looked at Sara’s face, noting a look of expectancy as she waited for him to get on board, without hesitation.

‘Yeah, well... it’s... certainly something to think about’ he said, the best he could do at the moment.

Sara’s hand went up to Neal’s face as she tried to get him to look into her eyes. ‘If you really want me to look into a tubal ligation, I will...’ she began as he cut her off.

‘No, no, honey. You’ve been through enough... just give me some time to think about it, okay?’ he said, covering up his revulsion at the thought of someone slicing him open... there.

He pulled her in, feeling Sara melt in his touch; maybe this was one of those times he needed to cowboy up and take one for the team although, at the moment, he couldn’t possibly imagine how he was going to do that.

‘It’s okay’ he lied as he shuddered. ‘Leave it with me.’

TBC


	3. Chapter 3

By Saturday afternoon, Neal was still mulling over his late night chat with his wife about the big 'V'. Although he was the first to admit the time had come to move on to a more permanent solution to their birth control dilemma, he couldn't quite bring himself to commit to having his genitals mutilated in such a barbaric way. He'd gone on line to research the subject and he'd made the ill-advised decision to watch a video of the procedure - although he'd only managed to watch the first thirty seconds of the damn thing before averting his eyes and slamming the laptop shut in revulsion. Truth be told, it had merely taken the image of the medical instruments laid out on a sterilized tray to push him right over the edge.

Of course, he knew Sara was right. She had been through so much already - beginning with her surgery, her chemotherapy treatment which had been followed by months of anxiety, to say nothing of the ensuing years of follow-up appointments. It was his turn to step up to the plate and take one on the chin - although it wasn't really his chin he was worried about.  
Short term pain for long term gain, he kept repeating to himself although the days passed and it didn't make things any easier. Sara had left the name of an urologist Dr. Cooper had recommended on his chest of drawers and he hadn't even had the courage to pick up the damn piece of paper and look at it.

Spending time in his studio was always a great way to relax and after lunch, Neal headed down to his version of a man cave to distract himself with his current work in progress - a painting of Liam shooting hoops in the school gym. Peter and El were expected for dinner and he would need to get down to the food preparation by mid-afternoon but in the meantime, he settled in to work at his beloved easel with the mellow sounds of the Eagles playing in the background.

WCWCWC

'Raffie!' Sara called out as she put down his bowl of food.

The dog didn't usually need any prompting whatsoever when it came to mealtime; as a rule, he was right by her side the moment she got anywhere near the cupboard where the dog food was kept.

She walked over to the top of the basement stairs and called out. 'Neal! Is Raffie down there with you?'

'No' came the answer as Sara continued to search the house for the dog. 'I put him out in the yard about ten minutes ago.'

The Caffrey's backyard in lovely White Plains, New York was nice and spacious, the perfect playground for a large dog like Raphael and he loved to roam around its perimeter for hours on end. He could usually be found lazing on the deck in the warm sunshine when he wasn't busy sniffing around the flower beds or chasing down the odd squirrel.

Sara opened the patio door off the family room and ventured out to look for the mutt in the bright afternoon sunshine, noting, at first glance, that he was nowhere in sight.  
'Raffie!' she called out as she poked around a couple of his favorite hiding spots. She walked to the very edge of the deck and peeked around the corner, immediately spotting the gate leading to the front of the house was wide open.

Her blood pressure shot up as she made her way back into the house, furious.

'Liam Theodore Caffrey, get down here – RIGHT NOW!' she screamed at the top of her lungs.

Neal was the first to appear, barefoot, in his undershirt and loose fitting pants – his outfit of choice whenever he worked in the studio.

'Sara! What the hell's going on? I'm sure the whole neighborhood can hear you' he complained as he came into view.

'Your son left the gate open... AGAIN' she shrieked. 'And now Raffie's disappeared.'

'That's okay, we'll get him back' Neal said, his voice calm as he attempted to tone down the histrionics. This wasn't the first time the smart pooch had found an escape route out of the yard and it surely wouldn't be the last.

'Neal, this happens every single time! Liam needs to learn to close the damn gate' she continued, obviously not done with her rant.

'Mom?' Liam said quietly as he appeared, not sure he wanted to interact with his mom in the state she appeared to be in.

'Liam, how many times have I told you to keep the gate closed!' she shouted, her face red, veins protruding from her neck.

'But my ball went over the fence and I went out to get it' Liam explained.

'Well then, get your ball and close the gate behind you!' Sara continued, undeterred.

'Honey, we'll get him back' Neal said as he wandered to front of the house to grab a pair of sneakers and a shirt. 'Calm down.'

As soon as the last two words left his lips, he knew he would live to regret them. Sara was in no mood to be told to calm down - something she absolutely hated hearing when she was in the middle of a major hissy fit.

'CALM DOWN?' she shrieked, her eyes popping out of her head. 'Well, that's just great coming from the guy who put the dog out in the yard in the first place!'

Neal glared at his wife, a look of exasperation on his face. Lately, when she flew off the handle, there was absolutely no way to reason with her; he let out a long suffering sigh and walked over to where Liam stood, placing his hand on his shoulder.

'Come on buddy. Let's go see if we can find Raffie' he said calmly as he turned to leave.

They disappeared out the front door and Sara stood in the kitchen all alone, her body shaking as she instantly dissolved into tears.

WCWCWC

'Dad, why is Mom so mad all the time?' sweet little Liam asked as he sat in the car next to his dad.

Neal took a deep breath, uncertain how to go about giving his eight year old son a simple rundown of the feminine mystique, specifically the hormonal fluctuations of the menopausal woman.

'Buddy, she's not just mad at you, she's... mad at everybody right now' Neal explained.

'Why?' Liam asked innocently.

'Well, getting older isn't easy and women... well, women's bodies change when they get to be Mom's age and sometimes they get irritated and frustrated and we don't always understand why they behave the way they do' he continued. 'To be honest, I'm not sure Mom understands it herself.'

'But why does she yell at me?' the boy asked, obviously upset.

'I ask myself that every day' Neal muttered under his breath. He reached out to pat his son on the arm. 'Just don't take it personally, okay, it's not your fault, buddy.'

They drove up and down the neighboring streets on their way to the local park, where Raffie loved to roam free. As expected, they could see him in the distance, sniffing repeatedly at nothing and stopping every few feet to raise his leg and leave his scent.

'There he is, Dad!' Liam called out, pointing.

By the time they came home with the dog in tow, Sara had all but reverted to her old self, no sign of the crazy banshee who had been there minutes before. Raffie ran in excitedly, making a beeline for his food dish as Sara's eyes met Neal's.

'I'm sorry... I lost it' she said quietly as Neal gave her a head nod towards their son.

'Liam, sweetie' Sara said as she walked over to him and touched his hair. 'I'm sorry I got so upset, I shouldn't have screamed like that' she admitted sheepishly.

Liam just shrugged and let his mom hug him, something she seemed hell bent on doing whether he liked it or not.

'But, next time, please remember to close the gate' she added, kissing his forehead.

'I will' he mumbled as he headed back up the stairs.

Neal could see Sara had been crying and he tentatively made his way over to her, unsure which of the many Saras would be peeking out from under that copper head of hair.

'Look, honey...I'm an adult and I can take it but Liam's just a kid. You don't want him remembering you as the mom who yelled at him all the time, do you?' Neal attempted as Sara looked down, embarrassed about her earlier outburst.

'You don't understand, Neal' she said as the tears returned. 'It's like my body's been snatched by some alien and replaced by this... crazy woman.'

'Awww, come here' Neal said as he opened his arms, enveloping her in warmth and understanding. He rolled his eyes at no one; it was going to be a long... and bumpy ride.

WCWCWC

'Well, I finally brought up the idea of a vasectomy the other night' Sara said as she and Elizabeth worked side by side, chopping up vegetables for a salad.

'You're kidding! How did that go over?' El asked.

'Like a lead balloon' Sara answered as she glanced out at the deck, watching as Neal and Peter sat sipping their drinks.

'I'll bet' Elizabeth said. 'If he's like every other man on the planet, he's probably freaking out at the thought of having someone tamper with his junk.'

'To his credit, he covered it up pretty well' Sara answered. 'He doesn't want me to have to go through another operation...plus the fact that he realized my period was late and, for a couple of hours, he was terrified I might have gotten pregnant again.'

Elizabeth giggled. 'Wow. That should be motivation enough to get him on board.'

Sara let out a long, slow sigh as she thought back to how she'd totally lost it with Liam. She didn't like being that person, that crazy lady who couldn't control her emotions.

'So, how do you cope...with this... menopause thing?' Sara asked tentatively.

'You just do' answered Elizabeth. 'Some days are better than others.'

'I'm afraid I'm going to alienate everyone around me before this is over' Sara admitted. 'I totally lost it with Liam this afternoon; I thought he was going to run off and hide under his bed.'

El put down the knife she was holding and glanced sympathetically at her best friend. 'Believe me, I get it. Peter gets this look in his eyes like he's terrified I'm going to throttle him and then I realize I'm the one who put that look of fear in his eyes.'

'I know...' Sara said, sadly. 'I don't want to be that crazy lady but I can't seem to control myself. And poor Neal, I feel so sorry for him...married to a raving lunatic.'

Elizabeth smiled at Sara as she gently touched her arm. 'Maybe you want to talk to your doctor about hormone replacement or some other medication' she suggested as Sara shrugged.

‘And maybe you want to talk to Neal’ she added.

WCWCWC

Neal peeked through the patio door, noticing the women deep in conversation. He wanted to talk to Peter about a couple of things and he didn't want the women overhearing.

'What's up,? Why are you acting so jumpy?' Peter asked as he took a long, slow pull on his beer.

'Is it that obvious?' Neal asked as he nervously glanced towards the kitchen once more.

'You look like you're expecting an anvil to fall on your head' Peter joked.

'Not an anvil but...Sara's been acting like a crazy lady and I never know what she’s going to say or do whenever I get within striking distance. Most times, she's just sweet, loving Sara and then, bam, out of the blue, she morphs into a person I don't even know.'

Peter raised his eyebrows and tilted his head to the side. 'I warned you...' he said.

'Look, don't get me wrong; Sara's always been headstrong and fiery and...well...' Neal said, his voice quiet '...I love that about her, you know...how strong and independent she is. We've been married for almost twelve years and her crazy sense of humor, the way she calls it like it is... it's, you know...it’s sexy.'

Neal looked down at his glass of wine, slightly embarrassed. 'But lately, those little ways I've found over the years to get her off her high horse whenever she goes a little ape shit...' Neal said, his voice quiet '...well, they're just not working anymore.'

'I hear you' Peter responded as he shook his head in empathy.

'And to top things off, she wants me to have a vasectomy!' Neal whispered.

'What?' Peter countered, shocked.

‘Shhh!’ Neal checked that the women were still out of hearing range again before continuing. 'Well, after what happened last year, we both realize it would be a disaster if she got pregnant again. That ship has sailed, if you know what I mean' Neal confided.

Peter listened as his best friend unburdened himself.

'And there are only so many ways...you know...to make sure it doesn't happen again' Neal mumbled.

'Are you going to go through with it?' Peter asked, leaning forward in his chair.

'I don't know...' Neal answered with a long suffering sigh. 'It's me or her and...well, I can't ask Sara to have surgery after everything she's been through.'

'Why do I sense a 'but'?' Peter asked.

Neal rolled his eyes, as if the answer was obvious.

'Yeah, I suppose' Peter said as he nervously crossed his legs in response to a sudden, strange sensation in his groin. 

The patio door slid open and Neal nearly jumped out of his skin. 

There stood Sara, looking like a domestic goddess in a 'kiss the cook' apron and carrying a plate of T-bone steaks. 'Honey...' she said, her voice soft and sweet '...it's time to fire up the barbecue.'

TBC


	4. Chapter 4

‘So, tell me again why you’re coming with me to the baby shower’ Sara said as Neal climbed in the car.

‘I told you, Jones suggested we have a poker game in his man cave while you girls do... well, whatever it is you do at a baby shower’ Neal explained for the third time.

Either Sara wasn’t listening or her memory was going wonky – or most likely, both.

‘Oh, right!’ she answered as she placed the large shower gift in the back of the car and took a seat next to him.

‘You sure Hope’s going to be okay on her own?’ he asked, as always the doting father. 

‘Honey, Olivia’s with her and Donna’s three doors down’ Sara responded offhandedly.

‘Right, right...’ he said as he put the car in gear and backed out of their driveway.

Clinton Jones had been late to the party, marrying his sweetheart Ivy Cooper after a six year courtship.He’d always been a mama’s boy and he’d spent his whole adult life searching for just the right girl to be the mother of his children, a no-nonsense, tough woman with a gentle touch.By all accounts, Ivy was all those things and she’d developed an easy friendship with the crowd from White Collar including Sara, Elizabeth, Diana and Christie. 

The Jones’ had settled in New Rochelle, in a pretty little neighborhood within easy commute to Clinton’s job at the FBI.They’d married less than a year earlier and Clinton had been thrilled to announce to his mama that they were expecting a little boy to continue carrying on the Jones name. 

It was a short, easy drive from White Plains and Neal and Sara arrived, parking on a side street and noting the large number of cars nearby as everyone assembled for the big ‘do’.

‘Caffreys!Welcome!’ Clinton said in greeting as he opened the door and led them inside.The living room was decorated with the obligatory balloons and streamers, a rocking chair settled in the middle of the room ostensibly for the mother to be to sit and be spoiled by the many guests.

‘Sara!’ came Ivy’s voice as she appeared behind her husband, hugging the newcomer.

‘Ivy, you look amazing’ Sara said, in all sincerity, as she looked at her friend, standing there looking stunning in a bright blue maternity dress.She didn’t remember _ever_ looking this good when she was pregnant with their two kids.

‘Neal’ Ivy added as Neal hugged her.

‘Ivy, that color looks amazing on you’ he said, his conman persona making an unscheduled comeback – he was the king of political correctedness after all.

‘Why don’t you head on down’ Clinton said to Neal as he pointed to the basement stairs.‘Peter’s already here.’

Neal gave his wife a dutiful peck on the cheek as he waved to the many women sitting around the living room; he wanted out of there quick!He’d almost made a clean getaway when he was accosted by Athena Jones, Clinton’s bigger than life mom who ruled the roost with a iron fist.

‘Neal!’ she called out warmly as she practically threw him to the ground with an enthusiastic hug.

‘Mrs. Jones!’ Neal responded, just as ardently while Clinton watched the Caffrey magic at work.

‘You look fantastic!’ he cooed as she pinched his cheek in earnest and placed a big fat kiss on his cheek.

‘So do you!’ she enthused.‘I swear, you look more handsome _every time_ I see you!’

‘Awww. It’s all smoke and mirrors, Mrs. Jones, smoke and mirrors’ Neal answered, in self-deprecation.

‘Well, you boys get settled downstairs’ she said.‘I’ve made some special snacks just for you’ she declared as she headed back to the kitchen, arms waving in the air.

Ivy exchanged knowing looks with Sara; whenever Mrs. Jones was visiting from out of town, she was in charge in the kitchen, regardless of the fact that she was in her son’s home with her more than capable daughter-in-law.

Neal slipped down the stairs, anxious to get away from all that estrogen and he let out a sigh of relief at the sight of Peter, mingling with a couple of Clinton’s relatives, anxious to get the poker game underway. 

Peter took one look at Neal, noticing the red lip prints on his cheek and he reached into his pocket for a handkerchief, handing it to Neal who stared back with a puzzled look on his face. 

‘Mrs. Jones?’ he asked as Peter nodded.He wiped off the stain and started making the rounds, noticing a couple of familiar faces.

‘Mr. Jones’ Neal said in greeting as the large man put out his hand.

‘Jedediah, please’ he corrected as Neal smiled.

‘You remember my brother-in law, Darryl’ Clinton said as the younger man stepped forward.

‘Of course’ Neal said, schmoozing.‘We met at the wedding.I _thought_ I saw your lovely wife upstairs.’

‘Good to see you again’ Darryl said as Clinton invited everyone to take a seat at the poker table he’d set up in the middle of the room.

Suddenly, Mrs. Jones came thundering down the stairs unsteadily as Clinton rushed to meet her.

‘Careful, Mama. You’re going to fall’ he said protectively.

‘I’m fine Clintie’ she said as she handed him the platter of wings and potato skins she’d prepared for the group of men.

‘Clintie?’ Peter mouthed as he glanced over at Neal, both of them suppressing a laugh.

‘Let’s play!’ Jedediah Jones called out, anxious to make a killing.

WCWCWC

Elizabeth and Sara sat side by side on the loveseat as they watched their friend, Ivy Jones, open one gift after another, letting out the requisite ‘oohs and ahhs’ with every new gift.

Sara marvelled at how much things had changed in the eight short years since she’d last given birth.The stroller Ivy was unwrapping made the one they’d used for Liam look like something from the Middle Ages.This one was sleek and had a reversible seat, an extendable canopy and air filled tires.She shot a glance towards El, rolling her eyes – a look that was returned by her best friend.

Sara glanced at the stack of clothes and toys Ivy had received, suddenly feeling an emptiness in her gut she didn’t even know she had.It had been a long time since she’d held a newborn in her arms and her mind began to wander as she imagined starting all over again; the excitement she and Neal had shared when she’d gotten pregnant, the months of cocooning, that feeling of pure bliss when the baby was put in your arms for the first time.Was she really ready to leave that all behind for good?

‘Here, try the cheese puffs’ Mrs. Jones said, interrupting her musings and shoving a plateful of hors d’oeuvres in Sara’s face.

Sara smiled politely, returning her gaze to her friend, looking glorious in all her pregnant splendor.

WCWCWC

‘Well, Caffrey’ Clinton’s dad said as he scooped up his winnings.‘It doesn’t look like today’s your lucky day.’

Neal smiled a counterfeit smile, acting nonchalant, trying to hide his competitive streak as best he could. He hated to be outsmarted and he realized it was time to fall back on his unique skill set in order to regain face. 

‘The game’s not over yet’ he said ominously as he reached into his pocket.

Although everyone had pretty well broken even, Neal had been on the losing end of Jedediah Jones’ winning streak and he’d left the hundred bucks he’d budgeted for the game on the table to be scooped up by the older man.Peter watched with interest; he knew Neal hated losing even though he always gave the impression of being a good sport and he waited to see how Neal was going to get himself out of the hole he’d dug for himself.The FBI agent was pretty sure that Neal had been playing on the up and up until this point, refraining from resorting to his many tricks but he could see that all bets were off and that he’d been pushed as far as he was willing to go.

Neal pulled out the billfold he’d vowed not to take out; the money he’d set aside earlier was all gone and it was time to resort to ‘serious’ money.He placed the money clip on the table, preparing to pull out another twenty when something caught his eye.Slipped in right on top of the short stack of bills was a piece of paper he immediately recognized.Apparently Sara had given up on him picking up the name and number of the urologist she’d been pushing him to see and she’d taken it upon herself to slip it directly into his pocket – as always, she was as subtle as a freight train. 

Darryl looked down at the piece of paper, recognizing the name.

‘Is that Dr. Kirkwood, the urologist?’ he asked with interest as he read off the piece of paper.

‘Hum... yeah’ Neal answered as he quickly grabbed the piece of paper and shoved it back into his pocket.

‘He did my vasectomy last year’ Darryl began as Neal’s ears perked up.

‘Oh yeah?’ Neal said, urging him to continue.

‘Worse week of my life!’ the man said as Peter looked on, worried about where this was going.

‘I was in excruciating pain for two solid days.Ice, narcotics, nothing worked and then I had this horrible swelling on my testicles and the bruising... don’t even get me started’ he said as his father-in-law looked over at him with a look of distaste.

‘Anyway’ the man continued ‘I’m glad that’s all behind me.’

Neal smiled an uneasy smile; he could feel Peter’s eyes boring into him and he chose to keep his eyes focussed on the game instead.

‘So’ Neal said dismissively, shaking off the uneasy feeling.‘Ready to be cleaned out, gentlemen?’

WCWCWC

‘Dinner at Le Manège?That’s pretty extravagant for an early Sunday evening dinner’ Sara said as Neal pulled into the restaurant’s parking lot.

‘Well...Hope’s having dinner with the Masons and Liam’s still at Will’s; why shouldn’t we have a nice dinner out?’ he answered coyly.

‘Don’t forget Clinton and his brother-in-law are coming over around nine o’clock to pick up the crib’ she reminded him as Neal nodded in response.

‘We’ll be back by then’ he answered, looking pretty pleased with himself.

‘I take it you were pretty lucky at cards, then?’ she asked, curious.

‘Let’s just say, dinner’s on me’ he answered coyly as he smiled at his wife.

‘Spit it out, Caffrey’ she said.

‘What?Just a... couple of hundred bucks, that’s all’ he finally admitted.

‘Al-right...’ she said, not wanting to push things any further.‘Well, I don’t know about you but I’m having the scampi.’

WCWCWC

'Have you seen your mom?' Neal asked as he came down the stairs to find Hope spread out on the couch, watching TV.

'She's in the basement getting stuff ready for Ivy's baby' Hope answered without bothering to look up.

Neal nodded remembering Clinton was on his way over to pick up the crib. He made his way down to the basement, past his studio and the laundry room and into the unfinished section of their basement where they kept all the stuff they'd accumulated over the past twelve years in their house.

He could see Sara sitting on one of the large storage containers, lost in thought, as she held something in her hands.As he got closer, he recognized the item – it was the little dress Hope had worn home from the hospital.He remembered buying it at one of the trendy baby boutiques near the Federal Building and surprising Sara with it when he'd come to pick them up at the hospital all those years ago.

'Hey' he called gently as her eyes came up to meet his. 'Taking a stroll down memory lane?'

Upon closer examination, he noticed her eyes were full of tears and he crouched down to face her, touching her cheek and holding her gaze.

'Hey, hey, what's going on?' he asked.

'Just... damn hormones!' Sara said dismissively.

Neal knew better. Parting with baby clothes was a final step in facing the fact there would be no more Ellis-Caffrey babies... ever. He glanced down at the tiny newborn outfit, wondering where the time had gone.

'I remember when I bought that thing' he said with a faraway look in his eyes. 'I was still on anklet... we were finishing up the Santini case and I went out for lunch one day and came back with it. Peter teased me mercilessly... We had just found out we were having a girl and I just... I couldn't resist.'

Sara smiled through the tears. 'And on the morning I left the hospital, you turned up with it and insisted she wear it home – even if it _was_ a really cool morning. I remember how she cried when you put it on her... you were trying to get her tiny little arms in the armholes...'

Neal nodded in agreement. 'She was soooo tiny' he said as he glanced over at the pile of clothes Sara was preparing to give their friends for their new little boy and he spotted a familiar item. He reached over, picking it up in his hands as he laughed.

'Do you remember that Christmas the kids were so were sick and Peter and El were out of town' he asked as Sara nodded.

'How could I forget! It was the Christmas from hell' she laughed.

'It was not!' Neal shot back. 'I took Liam to visit Peter at the office and I was so proud to show him off to everyone. He was what - no more than six months old. Anyway, I got him all dressed up it these little coveralls with the matching little shirt and socks and I proudly carried him in. By the time we left, he'd had massive diarrhea all over the conference room table and this little suit was ruined.'

He looked down at his hands. 'Looks pretty good now... maybe we don't need to tell Clinton and Ivy that story' he added with a laugh.

'Oh, Neal. Are we really ready to close that chapter of our lives for good?' she asked.

'What? Are you having second thoughts about making it permanent?' he asked as he touched her cheek.

Sara shrugged and smiled at Neal. 'I don't know...' she whined.

'Honey... As much as I'm not looking forward to getting snipped, I think we've got to let go, don't you?' Neal said.

Sara let out a sob as her breath caught in her throat. 'It's... it's like admitting we're too _old_ to have another baby.'

'Well, honey...we kind of are' Neal said with a chuckle as he touched her hair. 'Look, I'm turning 50 this year and... well I really don't think we want to start all over with diapers and toilet training, do you?'

Sara nodded; she knew he was right but it didn't make it any easier to let go.

Hope's voice was heard, bellowing from upstairs. 'Dad! Clinton's here!'

TBC


	5. Chapter 5

Neal sat at his desk at Finch and Johns proofreading his latest report. The recovery of a rare talisman dating back to the early 1700s had been unexpected; the item had been on their watch list for over a year, having been declared stolen by one of the firm’s most elite clients. It had turned up amongst some other rare items when a fence had recently been arrested and Neal’d had a great time studying it before proclaiming, with utmost certainty, that it was indeed the real deal – an Italian amulet dating back to the Baroque period.

His mind wandered to the tiny piece of paper which had been burning a hole in his pocket for the last couple of days. For the past two nights, he’d returned the tiny little paper with the name and phone number to his dresser when he’d emptied his pockets and for the third day in a row, he’d found it had mysteriously reappeared in his pants’ pocket; damn Sara Ellis and her persistence. He pulled out the tiny piece of paper, which was looking worse for wear after excessive handling, and he glared down at it with a deep frown. It had become the symbol of unwanted change in his perfect little life, heralding an alteration to his anatomy that he had no interest in going forward with.

As impulsive as he was in most things, Neal’s typical urge to act quickly and without proper deliberation had thus far not extended to grabbing the phone and making an appointment for a consultation. He had to concede, however, that the time had come to take that first critical step in altering his beloved junk. In an effort to persuade him to make the call, Sara had hinted that she might completely close up shop in the boudoir until he finally made that first move. Whether or not it was an idle threat was up for debate – Neal hadn’t thoroughly tested the waters – but he and his wife hadn’t been intimate since the week before and he was starting to get that familiar itch that required seeing to on a regular basis. From past experience he knew he could only hang on for so long before he became rather fixated on having his way with his wife; twelve years of communal life had led to the establishment of certain habits – some more enjoyable than others – and a week was the longest he ever wanted to go without a little action between the sheets. 

He took a deep breath before setting the report aside and reaching for the phone. Thirty seconds later, he had an appointment for a consult with Dr. Snip-snip and incredibly, it was in less than forty eight hours. Although he thought he’d be feeling relief at finally having taken the plunge, quite the opposite was true and by lunchtime, Neal had become totally obsessed with the upcoming appointment and had called Peter, begging him to meet for lunch at a place they frequented called, ironically, the Kirkwood Arms which was located almost exactly halfway between the Federal Building and the offices of Finch and Johns.

‘This better be good, Neal’ Peter said as he slipped into the booth across from Neal.

Neal glanced nervously from the menu he was holding in his shaking hands to his best friend’s face and Peter realized he’d been a bit insensitive; Neal looked as if he’d seen a ghost.

‘What’s wrong?’ he asked, his voice suddenly serious.

‘I did it!’ Neal declared as if his impending vasectomy was the only thing on Peter Burke’s mind.

‘You did what?’ Peter asked, suddenly worried Neal might have gotten himself into some sort of trouble.

‘I called and made an appointment for a consultation with the snip-snip guy’ Neal whispered, sounding like a self-centered five year old.

‘You pulled me out of a meeting to tell me you called and made an appointment with the urologist?’ Peter asked with disbelief.

Neal shrugged guiltily; even for him, he had to admit this was a little over the top.

‘Neal, you need to grow a pair’ Peter said before giggling at what he’d just said.

‘Very funny, Peter. I see you’re enjoying having fun at my expense’ Neal said with exaggerated annoyance. ‘I see I don’t have the support I was hoping to get from my best friend.’

‘Awww, come on, Neal, you have to admit that was funny!’ Peter said, trying to placate his friend.

Neal rolled his eyes; he didn’t have to admit any such thing. Just thinking about... about his precious family jewels being... ugh, he couldn’t even go there.

‘Every time I think about them cutting into...’ Neal began as he shivered.

‘Neal, grow up! You’re 49 years old – you’ve been shot, kidnapped, drugged, you’ve base jumped off buildings... and now you’re trying to tell me that you can’t face a little discomfort to keep peace in your marriage?’

Neal frowned at his best friend; he was making the whole thing sound so silly and petty and yet...

‘Well, I’d like to see how you’d handle it if it was you’ Neal barked as the waitress appeared, ready to take their order.

She seemed to pick up a weird vibe and she looked from one man to the other expectantly.  
‘Do you need a few minutes?’ she asked as Peter handed her back the menu. 

‘I’ll have the sausages with mashed’ Peter said with a barely disguised look of mischief on his face. ‘With ketchup, please.’

Neal rolled his eyes a second time; he would have gotten more empathy if he’d asked a total stranger out to lunch. He pointed to an avocado salad on the menu and returned his annoyed look to Peter.

‘Sausages? Really, Peter. We’ve sunk that low? You’re choosing something off the menu just to poke fun at me’ Neal said with a long suffering sigh – the things he had to put up with.

‘No! The bangers and mash are the best thing on the menu’ Peter lied. Truth was he wasn’t that big on sausages but ordering them had been worth it to see the look of exasperation on Neal’s face.

‘Alright, alright’ Peter finally said, figuring that was enough teasing for the time being. ‘So when is D-day anyway?’

‘It’s just a consultation... but it’s Friday’ Neal said, wringing his hands.

Peter watched with sympathy as Neal’s face lit up.

‘Hey, you don’t want to come along, do you? For moral support?’ Neal asked, realizing how inappropriate his request was.

Peter scoffed. ‘You want me to go with you on a consult... for a vasectomy?’ Peter asked, incredulous.

‘I guess not...’ Neal admitted. ‘Anyway, Sara will probably insist on coming along.’

‘As well she should, Neal. She’s your wife’ Peter rationalized. 

Neal nodded half-heartedly. ‘It’s just... well, it’s bad enough to have to go through with this, I don’t want Sara to know I’m freaking out...’

WCWCWC

‘Neal is definitely freaking out’ Sara said as she sat across from Elizabeth Burke a few blocks away.

‘Men!’ El responded, not very sympathetically.

‘I really didn’t think this would turn out to be such a big deal’ Sara said as she picked at her salad.

‘You know Jason Peters had one last year’ El said, referring to a colleague from Peter’s office they both knew.

‘Oh yeah?’ Sara said, thinking of the thirty something man. ‘Isn’t he single?’

‘Yeah, but he’s got a steady girlfriend and they decided they didn’t want kids’ El said in a gossipy tone of voice.

‘Maybe he could talk to Neal about it?’ Sara suggested.

‘Really? You think two men are going to share stories about having their genitals cut open?’ El said as she rolled her eyes. ‘Anyway, Peter said he moaned about it for two weeks before the procedure and then he complained for weeks about the pain and discomfort... not sure that would put Neal’s mind at ease.’ 

‘The other night...’ Sara said, her voice quiet ‘...I caught him looking at a video of the procedure on line. And when I tried coming on to him when we got into bed, he just curled up into a little ball and went to sleep! I think I even heard him moaning – although he tried to cover it up.’

‘What is it with guys and their junk?’ El agreed. ‘If they had to deal with half the stuff women have to deal with... we’d never hear the end of it.’

‘Ahh, they’re delicate creatures...’ Sara agreed.

WCWCWC

‘So, that’s a definite no then?’ Neal asked, returning to his earlier suggestion.

‘NO, Neal. I’m not going into a doctor’s office with you to discuss having your testicles... whatever they do to your testicles.’ Peter said a little too loudly.

‘Well, actually’ Neal began, his hand unconsciously going to his groin. ‘They make a couple of small openings in your scrotum and cauterize the two vas deferens.’

Peter looked at Neal as if he was from another planet, his eyes narrowing and his head shaking.

‘How do you even... Oh, never mind!’ he said dismissively. ‘Just cowboy up, Neal. It’ll be over in minutes and then, you can get on with the rest of your life.’

Neal poked at a cherry tomato in his salad and gave up, putting his fork down as Peter dug into his sausages with gusto.

‘I’m nuts about theses sausages!’ Peter said, with a wink.

WCWCWC

Dr. David Kirkwood’s practice was located in a high rise building on the Upper West side of Manhattan and by the looks of things, the man had chosen a very lucrative field to specialize in. The waiting room was lavish, with leather chairs and high end art Neal couldn’t help but admire – although, on this day, his mind wasn’t totally focussed on the opulent setting.

He sat along with other ‘condemned men’ and several women, waiting to see the doctor for the consult. He knew the appointment would only serve to escalate the feeling of doom which had taken over; there was nothing the doctor could possibly say that would make this any easier. 

Sara sat next to him, looking perfectly beautiful, her long legs crossed, revealing part of her thigh and from his vantage point, he noticed her cleavage peeking out ever so tastefully from the gorgeous coral dress she was wearing. He shook his head, snapping out of the lustful musings which had begun to dominate his thoughts over the last few days as he refrained from acting on his urges. Sara looked up from the Vanity Fair – the current edition, no dog-eared magazines here – and smiled wanly at her husband. She hoped the visit would enable him to finally relax; he’d been acting like a scared puppy ever since she’d first uttered the word ‘vasectomy’ and she was looking forward to getting their lives back to some sort of equilibrium.

‘You okay?’ she asked for the second time as Neal smiled that nervous smile of his.

‘Mr. Weston!’ the receptionist called out as the man next to Neal stood and apprehensively made his way into the back room.

Neal swallowed and let his eyes dart at the faces in the room; all of them with that same deer in the headlights look he could only imagine was gracing his face.

‘You sure you don’t want me to go in with you?’ Sara asked again.

Neal shook his head; it was bad enough she’d insisted on coming along, he didn’t want her to see his face when the doctor explained in great detail what he was going to do to him.

‘Mr. Caffrey!’ the woman at the desk called as Neal gave his wife a last glance and forced smile and followed the woman into the suite’s back rooms.

If the waiting room was opulent, the offices and examination rooms were even more so. He could see dark wood frames on each of the doors, the floors gleaming and he winced as he walked past one of the rooms noting a pewter plate above the door which read in big bold letters: ‘The Nutcracker Suite’.

The woman noticed the look on his face and laughed softly. ‘Dr. Kirkwood has a unique sense of humor’ she admitted as she finally stopped in front of a door and opened the door.

She invited Neal to step in and he preceded her, waiting for instructions.

‘Dr. Kirkwood will be right in’ she said. ‘You can have a seat here.’

The room was an unusual combination of office and examination room with a large oak desk dominating the space surrounded by shelves with medical books and photographs lining the walls. Off to a corner of the room was an examination table which seemed out of place in such a setting. Neal glanced around noticing a small Pollock on the far wall and he’d just stood to better examine it when the door opened to reveal a forty something man wearing a lab coat. 

‘Mr. Caffrey’ said the man who looked fit and tanned. ‘I’m Dr. Kirkwood. Please take a seat.’

TBC


	6. Chapter 6

‘Is your husband here for the procedure?’ the woman asked cryptically.

‘A consult’ Sara answered with a smile.

The woman nodded and smiled back but Sara could sense she was in a sharing mood. She set down her magazine and looked at the woman who appeared to be no more than in her mid thirties – although those bags under her eyes hinted at a very busy life,without much sleep. 

‘This is his second try’ she continued, lowering her voice. ‘He ran out of here crying like a little girl the last time’ she confided.

‘The last time?’ Sara asked.

‘Yeah, he had it all set up and when the time came for him to lay on the table, he totally lost it and he came running out here with his pants still around his knees’ she explained.

‘Oh!’ Sara said, the most neutral thing she could think of saying in response to such a confession.

‘This is payback time’ the young woman exclaimed as a couple of anxious looking men glared at her. ‘I had six of his babies...the last two are twin boys and I got pregnant while my husband was wearing a condom. The guy’s got supersperm and there’s no way he’s laying a finger on me until he goes through with it! 

Sara nodded in sympathy – six kids!

‘But this time, I made him take one of my Valiums before leaving the house and he sang all the way here’ the woman added with a laugh. ‘Men!’

Sara couldn’t help but snort in response. Men and their junk, indeed! She knew Neal was anxious but she also knew he had his pride; he would find a way to go through with it although he’d probably milk it for all it was worth. Her eyes looked up and she spotted Neal standing at the receptionist desk talking to the one of the staff.

She made her way over, Neal’s voice a murmur as she got closer and she heard the woman say: ‘Alright, Mr. Caffrey. We’ll see you at 2:00 next Friday.’

Neal turned to leave; a pamphlet rolled up tightly in his hand and signalled to Sara it was time to go. The place was giving him the heebie jeebies and he couldn’t get out of there fast enough.

WCWCWC

‘Oh no!’ Sara said as she sat next to her husband in the car, scrolling through her phone. ‘Next Friday is Hope’s appointment with Dr. Cooper.’

Neal exhaled; maybe he wouldn’t have to go through with it after all – NOT! 

‘Don’t worry about it’ he said, somewhat relieved. ‘I’ll see if Peter can drop me off.’

‘Honey, it says here you should have someone with you to take you home. You’ll probably be on heavy painkillers’ Sara said as she glanced at the pamphlet Neal had been given. 

Great! Another tidbit of information he really could have done without.

‘Oh, wait’ she continued. ‘Hope’s appointment is at 1:30. I can be back in plenty of time to pick you up and bring you home.’

‘Sara, I’m sure Peter doesn’t mind doing that...’

‘Neal! I’m not sending you in to be snipped and not be there for you’ she countered in what she hoped sounded like a supportive tone of voice, although part of her wanted to make sure he didn’t come running out of the room like a two year old before the deed was done. The only way to be sure was to be there and if need be, to march Neal right back into the operating room to follow through.

She heard Neal let out a long slow breath and she reached out to touch his thigh. ‘Honey, it’s going to be fine, I promise’ she added.

WCWCWC

‘Mom, is it going to hurt?’ Hope asked as she sat in bed reading.

‘Well, I won’t lie to you, honey. It’s not very pleasant... but it’s part of being a woman’ Sara explained.

Hope had started her period almost a year before and in less than twenty four hours, she’d be having her very first gynecological examination. She’d been apprehensive about it, understandably so, and Sara had been doing her best to reassure her daughter as the long-planned appointment loomed.

‘Do I have to get... undressed?’ Hope asked.

‘Sweetie, the doctor has to make sure everything looks okay. You need to take off your panties and lie on your back on a special table and she’ll... well, she’ll poke around a little and she’ll probably suggest something you can take for those cramps you’ve been getting’ Sara said reassuringly.

‘Why do women have to go through this?’ asked the budding feminist. ‘Men don’t have to suffer every month like we do. It isn’t fair!’

‘That’s true, honey’ Sara said as she thought of Neal who’d be going under the knife. ‘But we get the joy of giving birth to babies. Daddies only get to watch.’

Hope scrunched up her face at what her mom had just said. ‘Mom, did you just seriously say, ‘joy’?’ she said, deadpan.

‘Alright, alright’ Sara admitted. ‘It hurts like hell... but then, they put the little baby in your arms and you forget all about it.’

Hope was still years away from even thinking about having babies and she shrugged in response, not totally satisfied with the explanation.

‘Try to get some sleep, honey’ Sara said as she brushed a tendril of Hope’s unruly hair out of her face. ‘It’ll all be over by tomorrow.’

‘Goodnight Mom’ Hope said as she reached over to turn off the bedside lamp.

Sara kissed her daughter goodnight thinking ahead to this new rite of passage. Where had the years gone; it seemed like just yesterday, she’d been a newborn lying in her arms and now she was a young woman, embracing the rites of passage facing all women. 

She thought about her other patient – the six foot one with a lethal fear of sharp objects directed at his man parts and she made her way to their bedroom, finding Neal scrutinizing the instructions he’d been given for his procedure the next day. He seemed immersed in what he was reading and didn’t even look up when Sara came in and sat next to him on the bed.

‘So... D-Day tomorrow or should I say V-Day’ she added with a small laugh.

Neal raised his eyes from the pamphlet he was reading, glaring at his wife with an exasperated look, his eyes narrowing at the realization that she deigned to joke about his impending affliction.

‘You’re really enjoying this, aren’t you?’ he asked with annoyance.

She slipped her arm under his and lay her head on his shoulder. ‘No!’ she said with a grin. ‘It’s just... there are so many jokes I’m holding back...’

‘Don’t worry, I’ve heard them all this week’ Neal lamented. ‘Between Peter and some of the guys at work... Jones even sent over a pound of walnuts and a nutcracker!’

Sara laughed heartily as Neal scowled. He might see the humor in this later... much later. He reached over to open the bedside table and pulled out what looked like a t-shirt, folded up into a small tidy square.

‘Far be it from me to give you any more ammunition, but Elizabeth had this delivered to my office this afternoon’ Neal said with a faint smile.

He opened up the t-shirt which had the picture of a gun and the following tag line: ‘I shoot blanks!’

Sara laughed heartily. ‘Oh, honey! It’s going to be fine, I promise! As a matter of fact, I have a little surprise for you.’

Neal’s eyes narrowed as he watched Sara get out of bed and head towards the bedroom door.

‘You just get comfortable and I’ll be right back’ she cooed as Neal looked her up and down with a quizzical look in his eyes.

He lay there waiting, trying to keep his mind on anything but the procedure he was about to have. In an effort to relax, he imagined sitting in the backyard, listening to the birds chirping as an unbidden image of a squirrel carting around nuts came to mind. He shook off the image. Ever since he’d decided to have a vasectomy, he seemed totally fixated on his nether regions and not for the right reasons either. Beyond the apprehension about the actual procedure, he worried about how this might affect his love life which was perfectly wonderful, thank you very much. 

His musings were interrupted by Sara who returned, standing in the doorway to their room, her arm suggestively up against the door jamb, wearing nothing but a leather bustier and a matching garter belt. On her head stood a white nurse’s cap and she was carrying a small tray, the contents of which he couldn’t see from his vantage point.

‘Mr. Caffrey’ she said in a sultry voice, a southern accent apparent. ‘I’m here to prepare you for your procedure.’

Neal laughed at the terrible accent and watched with amusement as she sashayed over to him, sitting on the edge of the bed as he scooted over to make room for her. He’d seen her in this getup a couple of times over the past few years – she kept it for very special occasions and his mood suddenly changed from just plain anxious to... anxious to get his hands all over her. She crossed her legs and leaned down, her breasts spilling out of the tight bustier and that’s when he noticed what was on the tray she was carrying: a bowl of water, a facecloth, shaving cream and a very sharp looking disposable razor. Talk about a buzzkill!

‘No!’ he exclaimed as his eyes fixated on the razor. ‘You are not...’

‘Now, Mr. Caffrey’ she warned, her voice sexy, as she set down the tray. 

She leaned in and whispered in his ear as her hand dropped lovingly to his groin. ‘C’mon baby. You’ve trusted me with them all these years...’ 

Neal laughed, finally relaxing as Sara leaned down to kiss him, making him squirm despite himself. 

‘I promise this won’t hurt a bit’ she whispered as she lovingly began to wash Neal’s nether regions, moving on to the shaving cream and covering the area as she crawled down on all fours between his legs, armed with a disposable razor. It was a jarring sight – the juxtaposition of his loving, sexy wife crawling over him armed with an object that had the potential of turning him into a soprano.

Normally, the sight of any sharp object anywhere near his junk would be enough to make him run for the hills but Neal closed his eyes, trying to relax as she went to work on shaving him, a lot more fun that he’d imagined when he’d read the instructions to do so in the little pamphlet that now lay on the floor by the bed.

Nurse Sara worked diligently and cautiously, whispering sweet nothings as Neal began to react to her ministrations despite his resolve not to. There was something about Sara’s voice when it got all soft and gooey that things to him, no matter where they were or what they were doing and, astonishingly, his reaction to her dulcet tones extended to situations when a sharp razor was in the vicinity of his tender testicles.

She finished up and washed him up carefully, taking her time and letting her hands wander to other parts of his anatomy – triggering enjoyable sensations which made Neal’s toes inadvertently curl under the sheet. She expertly tidied everything up on the tray and carried it over to the dresser before moving suggestively back to the bed where she loomed over Neal, her breasts barely hidden under the tight bustier. She straddled him, settling on his hips as she ran her hands suggestively up to her breasts, watching as his eyes grew dark at the sight. Leave it to Sara Ellis to take a tedious – and unnerving – activity like shaving his scrotum and turning into such an enjoyable experience. 

‘Thank you, nurse’ Neal said, his voice rough as he brought his hands up to her thighs, rubbing salaciously.

‘Do I get a... tip’ she asked suggestively as he grinned at her cleverness.

‘You just might...’ he answered as he began to squirm, his hands moving up to cup her breasts.

‘Well, Mr. Caffrey’ she moaned as she began to writhe against him. ‘The ball is definitely in your court.’

TBC


	7. Chapter 7

Neal rolled off his wife and fell, delightfully exhausted, on the pillow beside her.

‘Thanks’ he uttered breathlessly as he reached down to remove the condom and dispose of it.‘I really needed that.’

Sara burrowed her face into his neck, totally relaxed.

‘You’re welcome’ she murmured, already half asleep.‘You can look forward to a _lot_ more of that when this is all over – minus the rubber.’

Neal grinned as his fears and apprehensions about his impending ordeal momentarily vanished and he placed a kiss on his wife’s forehead, thankful for her love and support.

He took a long, cleansing breath and settled in for a good night’s sleep.

WCWCWC

_There he was again, that odd little rabbit with the pocket watch.Neal had been watching him dart in and out of the infinite number of doors which lined the long, seemingly endless corridor.This time, the strange creature reappeared behind him and spoke directly into Neal’s ear, prodding him along, his voice high pitched._

_‘You’re late, you’re late!’ he shrieked, nudging Neal along the narrow hallway until they’d arrived in front of a door with a large wooden sign that hung crookedly and read ‘Balls are Us’_

_The rabbit reached for his monocle, studying the door before opening it and he finally flung it open dramatically, shoving Neal inside the small room where everything was cloaked in a misty fog.By the time Neal turned around to look at him, he’d vanished from sight and the door had closed behind him.He glanced around the space, barely able to make anything out in the thick mist when he almost stumbled onto a child sized table complete with miniature chairs where two oversized men sat, sipping on ridiculously large cups of something.Suddenly, a young girl appeared out of the mist and stood directly in front of Neal with an expectant look on her face.Her long blond locks covered her shoulders and she wore a pale blue dress, covered with a white apron and black Mary-Janes on her feet that made a clicking sound on the hardwood floor.Her eyes brightened at the sight of Neal, as if she’d been expecting him._

_‘You’re here!’ she exclaimed breathlessly, her voice child-like voice as she escorted Neal to one of the small chairs at the table._

_He attempted to respond but his voice was nowhere to be found and he listlessly let himself fall on the child sized chair, afraid for a moment that the small seat would not hold his weight.Before he could utter a sound, the child grabbed the large teapot sitting in the middle of the table and poured a huge cupful, handing it to Neal._

_‘Here, have some tea’ she said.‘It’ll make everything better.’_

_Neal stared back, glued to the chair, mesmerized by the sight of the young girl as she fluttered around the room humming as if she hadn’t a care in the world.He’d barely had time to get his bearings when he heard a door open in the distance, the thick fog making it impossible to identify the new arrival, until, out of the fog, appeared a large figure looming in front of his eyes with the most incongruous voice Neal had ever heard._

_‘Ah, there you are!’ the character said, his voice high pitched and breaking as if he were a boy transitioning to manhood.For a moment, Neal wondered if this creature was a man, a child or a beast.He wore the biggest, tallest hat Neal had ever seen and his suit was bright red to match his face – which looked like he was on the verge of having a coronary.Something about him felt familiar although Neal could not manage to put his finger on it; instead he just stared ahead, totally ineffectual, as the high strung character bustled around him, arms agitated._

_‘It’s time to go, it’s time to go’ he repeated as he fussed around Neal, urging him to stand and follow him away from the tea party.They had barely taken two steps when they found themselves standing by a large comfy leather chair, much like Neal’s favorite chair at home, complete with a matching ottoman._

_‘Sit, sit’ urged the strange creature with the humongous hat.‘She’s coming!’_

_Neal did as he was told, instantly melting into the buttery chair, waiting for ‘her’ to arrive, whoever ‘she’ was.He had just begun to settle in when the crazy boy/man reappeared, this time carrying a strangely large medieval battle axe with a wooden handle, the sight of which caused Neal’s heart to start pounding uncontrollably.Despite the terror, the rest of Neal’s body remained motionless, unable to respond to what was obviously an imminent threat to his wellbeing. His eyes bulged, his breathing quickened and he thought for a moment, he might die of fright._

_‘This won’t hurt a bit’ the strange man reassured him with his voice cracking._

_Neal could hear a voice in the background, a woman’s piercing voice booming over the mist._ **_‘Off with his balls!’_ **

WCWCWC

‘Neal, Neal!Honey, wake up!’ he heard as he slowly came to and Sara’s face came into view, her hand on his pounding chest. 

He was panting loudly, unable to catch his breath as the dream slowly began to fade.

‘It’s okay, honey.It was just a dream’ Sara’s loving voice added as he blinked, unable to shake the terror he’d just been experiencing.

‘They were gonna....chop off my balls with an... an axe’ he said, his voice faltering.

‘Who was going chop off your balls with an axe?’ Sara asked, trying desperately to calm her frantic husband.

‘The guy with the...’ Neal began as he started to realize it had all been a strange dream.

‘Sweetie, it’s okay. No one’s going to chop off your balls’ Sara said reassuringly as she attempted to bring Neal back from the nightmare.

‘Right...right...’ Neal said breathlessly, not terribly convinced the dream hadn’t been real.

‘Come here’ Sara said as she opened her arms to comfort him, cradling him against her chest like a little boy.Neal melted into her body, arms reaching out to make sure she was real and keeping him from returning to that awful place he’d just left.

‘Breathe, Neal’ Sara said as he continued to hyperventilate.She ran her hand through his hair as he slowly regained normal breathing, his eyes wide open as he took in the familiar surroundings of his bedroom in White Plains, New York, far away from the strange world he’d just left.

WCWCWC

‘Why don’t you take that mild sedative they gave you?’ Peter asked as he sat next to Neal in the waiting room.

‘I’m fine’ Neal answered as he’d already said twice before.

Anybody who knew Neal Caffrey and his relaxed, cocky manner could tell he was anything _but_ fine and Peter felt compelled to state the obvious.

‘Well, you don’t _look_ fine’ he commented as he took in Neal’s face, as white as a sheet.

‘Well, I will be’ Neal countered as he looked around the room at the other men who all had the same look of fear and apprehension on their faces.

He glanced over at Peter, so relaxed as he sat there reading the newest edition of Vanity Fair; easy for him to be calm.Peter piped up, pointing to something on the page in the magazine in front of him.

‘El’s been bugging me to take her to this’ he said as Neal glanced down to the ad for the newest Broadway musical, a remake of _Alice in Wonderland_.

His heart stopped, his eyes widened as his dream came flooding back in an instant and he stood, straight as a rod, his face terrified.

‘I’ll be right back’ he managed to mutter as he bolted out of the waiting room.

Peter watched as his buddy walked out; he probably needed a few minutes alone to collect himself before the procedure. His eyes met those of the man who’d been sitting on the other side of Neal, a smile on his face.

‘Is your husband having prostate problems?’ the man asked of Peter.

‘Oh... he’s not my...’ Peter began, stuttering.

‘I get it’ the man continued without waiting for Peter to finish.‘My Jake is in there right now – the doctor said a vasectomy was the best solution for his enlarged prostate.’

Peter stared, unable to say much in response.

‘You’ll see.Your husband will be fine’ the man added reassuringly as Peter smiled benignly.

Neal hadn’t returned and Peter glanced at his watch, noticing it was five minutes to two o’clock – the bewitching hour – and still no sign of Neal.He stood, setting down his magazine and stepped out of the door he’d seen Neal walk through moments before.He glanced down the hall – no sign of Neal – and he headed over to the nearby men’s room, stepping in and closing the door behind him.

‘Neal?’ he said quietly.‘Are you in here?’

There was no one at the urinals but one of the stalls seemed occupied and Peter stepped closer, listening discretely to any sign Neal might be in there, hiding.

‘Neal?’ he repeated as he picked up on the sound of heavy breathing coming from behind the door.

He was reasonably sure that was the sound of his best friend hyper-ventilating and he stepped into the next stall next and climbed onto the toilet to glance over the wall.

‘Neal!’ he said as he spotted his friend curled up in a little ball in the corner of the stall.‘What the hell are you doing?’

Neal’s gaze moved up to meet Peter’s and the older man could see the terror in Neal’s wide eyes, his breathing irregular, his body wracked with anguish. 

‘Open that door!’ he commanded in his Agent Burke voice which Neal recognized from years of having Peter barking orders at him.It seemed to have the desired effect and Neal reached over and unlatched the door as Peter appeared in front of him, squatting down to meet his ex-partner’s eyes.

‘What the hell’s going on?Your appointment is in two minutes’ Peter reminded him.

‘I can’t... I can’t...’ Neal kept repeating, his voice breathless.

‘Neal!Do you really want to explain to Sara that you ran away like a scared little puppy?’ Peter asked, his voice growing louder.

It seemed to be the right thing to say because Neal let out a small yelp and stood, possibly more terrified of his wife’s reaction to him being a whimp than of the actual procedure itself.

He gave Peter a small head shake.

‘Where’s that pill the doctor prescribed?’ Peter asked in take-charge mode as Neal reached into his pocket, hands shaking.

‘Take it!Now!’ Peter ordered as Neal popped it in his mouth.

‘Now, look at me.This will all be over in half an hour.I need you to cowboy up.Is that clear?’ Peter asked, leaving no room for doubt.

Neal nodded and took a deep breath.He walked over to the nearby sink and ran some cold water on his face, looking at himself in the mirror as if for the last time.

‘Enough with the drama, Neal’ Peter said as he watched his vain friend stare at his reflection.‘They’re not giving you a nose job.’

Neal couldn’t help but let out a small helpless laugh at Peter’s last comment and he turned to follow his best friend back into the nearby waiting room.

WCWCWC

‘Are you okay?’ Sara asked as she reached out to touch her daughter’s hand.

They waited side by side in Dr. Cooper’s office for her to return and have a chat with them following the examination she’d just carried out on the teen.

‘You should have told me’ Hope said, angrily.‘That was _horrible_!’

Sara ran her hand up and down her arm; it was true that gynecological exams were no fun.Maybe she shouldn’t have downplayed it quite as much; after all, Hope was no fool.

The door to the office opened and Dr. Cooper appeared, looking her usual composed self.She made her way to the chair behind her desk, lightly touching Hope’s shoulder as she walked by.

‘You did great Hope’ she said as she smiled at the young woman.

Hope shrugged and gave a polite smile. ‘Piece of cake’ she lied.

WCWCWC

Neal’s eyes darted around the room as he regained his dignity following his little fit of nerves.He was breathing deeply, trying to keep his wits about him and he could feel the man to his right staring at him incessantly.He smiled back politely as the other man spoke.

‘Try to be brave.Your husband will be there for you when you come out’ the man said unexpectedly as Neal frowned for a moment before realizing what was going on.

The sight of two men sitting side by side both with wedding bands in a doctor’s office might, understandably, project a certain image and despite his anxious state, Neal had the presence of mind to respond as he reached out to touch Peter’s hand.

‘He always is’ he said with delight.

TBC 


	8. Chapter 8

‘NEAL CAFFREY’ the voice rang out in the waiting room as every other man let out a collective sigh of relief at the reprieve. Neal harkened back to every single time he’d heard his name called out when he really wished he hadn’t; when his mom, voice clouded by booze or drugs, yelled at him for some perceived slight...when the judge ordered him to stand at his trial... when Sara lost patience with him and reverted to using his full name.

Despite the rubbery feeling in his legs, Neal managed to stand and with one last pleading look at Peter, begging him to get him the hell out of there, he took the first tentative step towards the woman who had dared utter his name. The mild sedative had been just enough to take the edge off and keep him from running out of the room like a screaming two year old but his mind was still in overdrive mulling over all those pesky questions that had been running around incessantly like an overactive gerbil in his muddled brain. Would he be just as much of a man when he came back out? Would his voice become higher pitched? Would Sara find him just as desirable? Would he be able to get just as turned on? Would he still be able to shoot with virility? Would it hurt when he...choked the chicken?

‘I’m Alice’ said the woman as Neal’s eyes widened in response to her name. She smiled a comforting smile and Neal’s legs keep moving forward although they didn’t totally feel under his control. He followed her as they moved closer to the room with the foreboding name and finally, they stood directly in front of the large oak door as she placed her hand on the door knob. 

This was it. 

If there was ever a time to bolt, this was it and yet Neal’s legs just kept on walking, right through the oversized wooden door frame as the large room came into view.

To say that Dr. Kirkwood had a wicked sense of humor was an understatement. His name, let alone the shiny hardwood floor and oak panels surrounding the room, summoned images of comforting morning wood, something Neal feared might be lost to him forever. The theme of the room was balls, balls and more balls – of all sorts and all sizes. 

Along the wall, against the long window ledge, stood a good dozen basketballs in little stands, reminiscent of those Neal had always admired in Harvey Specter’s office on that show he liked. The one ball which dominated the others looked like it had been signed by Michael Jordan himself and Neal wondered if the man had once lain on that table he was about to climb onto. A small desk held a large bowl of golf balls in all colors imaginable and there was a display of baseballs which looked almost as impressive as the one he’d once seen at Yankee Stadium. He instinctively turned to run back out to the waiting room to get Peter – he would get a real kick out of this – but Alice had her hand on his arm and was talking to him, softly, almost hypnotically.

‘I need you to take everything off from the waist down’ she was saying as Neal’s eyes moved away from the collection of balls and to her pretty face. ‘Just put everything over here and then climb on to the table. Dr. Kirkwood will be right in.’

Neal watched as she turned to leave and despite her explicit instructions, he walked over to the window to get a better look. Yup, that was an original Michael Jordan autograph, he thought as his mind wandered. He snapped back, suddenly remembering why he was really there and he made his way to the table, kicking off his shoes and removing his socks. His hand went to his belt buckle and he felt a shiver as he started to remove his pants – the point of no return. Talk about feeling vulnerable; in seconds, he was standing there butt naked, his body now totally at the mercy of others.

The table itself looked ominous although underneath the sheet of paper was beautiful maroon leather; it had ugly stainless steel stirrups sticking out which Neal could only imagine from what Sara had told him, looked like every examination table in a OB/GYN’s office. Payback, he thought bitterly as he climbed up and tried to make himself comfortable. He grabbed for the thin paper sheet Alice had left for him and covered himself up, no protection whatsoever from what was about to be done to him. He could see a small tray covered with a sheet by his feet and in true Neal Caffrey style, he was about to lift the covering to see what was underneath when he heard the door knob and he pulled back.

‘Mr. Caffrey!’ he heard the jovial man call out - easy for him to be cheerful, considering his junk wasn’t about to be manhandled and sliced open. 

‘Doctor’ Neal answered, trying to sound confident and composed. He loved his voice as it was, the way he could make it fluctuate between soft and sexy to loud and commanding. He didn’t want to leave the room sounding like a twelve year old boy. 

Dr. Kirkwood, on the other hand, was way too jovial; humming a song that sounded like ‘Great Balls of Fire’ and Neal frowned as the man spoke. ‘Well, I think you made the right decision to come to me’ he said, his voice authoritative. ‘A neighbor of mine had his vasectomy done at Sears and now, every time he gets a hard-on, his garage door opens!’

Neal stared in disbelief as the man spoke – did he really just make a joke while his cool hands were already on Neal’s trembling genitals? He could see Alice smirking – no doubt she’d heard the joke hundreds of times before. 

Despite his annoyance, Neal let out a small laugh – the last thing he wanted to do was to piss off the guy who was about to slice into him. Dr. Kirkwood guided Neal’s feet into the cold, hard stirrups totally exposing his vulnerabilities as Neal tried hard to relax.

‘So? What are you in the mood for?’ the doctor asked, undeterred – after all, he had the big end of the stick... ‘I like my patients to choose the music. I’ve got ‘Wrecking Ball’ by Miley Cyrus or how about some AC/DC ‘Got You by the Balls’? he asked with a giggle.

‘Whatever...’ Neal muttered, trying to sound self-assured despite the fact he was totally exposed and defenceless.

The doctor turned to Alice, speaking with a blustery voice. ‘Let’s go with AC/DC today, I’m feeling frisky’ he said as Neal shuddered.

‘Now, let’s go over everything one last time’ he continued as he took a seat on the small stool right between Neal’s legs, his face practically up in his junk. ‘Like I said, all we’re doing is locking the door on your jizz and sending it back into your body to be re-absorbed. Everything else should be just as before - although I’m afraid I can’t do anything about improving your technique!’ he said with a laugh.

Neal giggled nervously; there was absolutely nothing wrong with his technique, thank you very much.

‘So, you’ll be awake during the procedure’ he continued as Brian Johnson’s voice could be heard in the background ‘...she got you by the balls...’

‘Now, last chance to bail... this is a permanent procedure. Are you sure about this?’ he asked, his eyes meeting Neal’s.

This was his chance to cut bait and run if ever there was one but Neal heard his own, hesitant voice echo in the room. ‘I’m good’ he said, trying to sound certain of himself. 

Suddenly Alice appeared in his field of vision holding a small tray with a pill and a Dixie cup of water. 

‘I suggest you take another Valium’ Dr. Kirkwood said. ‘We want you nice and mellow for this.’

Neal reached out for the pill and swallowed it quickly – the faster it started working its magic, the better as far as he was concerned. He could feel the doctor’s gloved hand on his testicles, prodding in a way he was most uncomfortable with. 

‘Nice job on the shaving’ he commented as Neal smiled thinking back to Sara’s gentle hands on him the night before.

He could feel his penis unceremoniously being flopped back as Dr. Kirkwood zeroed in on his balls, lifting them to study them underneath. His legs were feeling increasingly heavy and despite his efforts to concentrate, his mind seemed to be wandering to other unrelated topics whereas over the past week he’d been obsessed with the impending procedure.

‘A little prick...’ the doctor mumbled as Neal’s eyes shot open; he always thought of himself as above average in that department and he suddenly took offence at the doctor’s comment.

‘I mean... you’re going to feel a small prick’ Dr. Kirkwood corrected as his hand appeared holding a large syringe. 

Neal let out a silent gasp; his pride not allowing any noise to escape his pursed lips. The feeling of the sharp object entering the base of his testicles was disconcerting but he lay still, waiting for the unpleasant sensation to end. Whether it was his imagination or not, Neal began to feel himself start to relax as a warm, numbing sensation took over his scrotum.

‘So, what do you do for a living, Mr. Caffrey?’ the doctor asked as if they were sitting across from each other over a cup of coffee.

‘I... I authenticate art and artifacts’ Neal answered, feeling himself relax.

‘Wow! Sounds like a very exotic job. How did you happen to fall into that line of work?’ the doctor asked as he moved to the tray to get what looked like a scalpel from where Neal lay.

‘Hum... it’s... it’s complicated’ Neal answered. Having his junk in someone else’s hands, no matter how competent, did not lend itself to giving the good doctor his long pedigree and explain how he’d evolved from being a master forger to an expert at authentification.’ 

Neal could feel himself being poked. ‘Can you feel that?’ asked the doctor over the background music.

‘A little’ Neal answered – better safe than sorry. He’d read online about how some guy had given the doctor the green light to proceed but had felt the scalpel slicing into him.

‘We’ll give you another shot, just to be on the safe side’ he said as Alice handed him another syringe, which looked even larger than the first. This time Neal didn’t feel it as it was injected, surely a good sign and he let himself relax a little as he giggled unexpectedly.

‘Good stuff, huh?’ Dr. Kirkwood commented as the Valium obviously kicked in.

‘Yeah’ Neal slurred, feeling the anxiety slowly melt away and his muscles relax.

‘I’m just pulling out your vas deferens’ the doctor explained as Neal began to drift away. 

The unexpected and normally disconcerting words just floated over Neal as he lay there, helpless.

‘You might feel a hot nauseating sensation’ he continued as Neal heard an amusing snipping sound.

‘Snip’ Neal murmured with a goofy smile as Alice looked on. The smell of cooking flesh wafted in the air as the cauterization was carried out and Neal let out an inappropriate giggle. ‘I guess it makes a ‘vas deferens’ whether you get this done or not, right?’ Neal added cleverly.

The doctor and his nurse exchanged amused looks at Neal’s unexpected wit; Dr. Kirkwood hadn’t taken him for the witty type considering how tense he’d looked when they’d first walked in.

‘One down and one to go’ the doctor said as Alice patted his arm. ‘You’re doing great’ she said – she had no idea just how great Neal was doing.

Neal drifted in and out as he let the music wash over him. He could feel the doctor’s hands moving on his nether regions but he couldn’t be bothered to care as he let himself be lulled by the excellent drugs.

Another sizzling sound was heard in the quiet room as Neal began to sign along to the music and Alice gave the doctor a perplexed look.

‘There, we’re done!’ Dr. Kirkwood declared as he looked away from Neal’s genitals and up to his face.

‘Alice will get you all packed up and ready to go. Do you have someone who can take you home?’ he asked as he stood.

Neal looked up goofily as he tried to fight the haze in his brain. ‘My wife...’ he finally said dreamily.  
‘Alice, you might want to ask Mrs. Caffrey to come in while you go over the post-op instructions’ he counselled, taking in Neal’s more than relaxed state. ‘Good luck, Mr. Caffrey’ he added as he prepared to leave.

Neal smiled goofily at Alice’s kind face. ‘Are you going to give me a cup of tea?’ he asked out of the blue as she frowned.

‘Hum, did you need a cup of tea?’ she asked in response to the strange request.

‘Inside joke’ Neal slurred as he tapped his temple.

Within seconds, Alice returned holding a jockstrap in her hands as she positioned herself between Neal’s legs where Dr. Kirkwood had been moments before. Having a pretty young woman staring at his genitals suddenly felt strange and Neal began to squirm on the table.

‘I’m just going to put some gauze around the area and put on this jockstrap so that you don’t jostle too much on the way home. You might want to ask your wife to duck any potholes.’

Neal smiled as he thought of Sara’s driving skills – he avoided getting in the car whenever she was in the driver’s seat, although even he could see that on this particular occasion, he was in no fit state to drive himself home.

‘You have a... very gentle touch...’ he found himself saying, unaware of his inappropriate comment as the young woman blushed.

His legs were finally removed from the stirrups and he was invited to lie still for a moment while Alice went out to the waiting room to get Sara.

His last thought as he drifted off was how silly he’d been. This vasectomy thing was a piece of cake.

TBC


	9. Chapter 9

‘He did what?’ Sara said loudly as she and Peter stood just outside the waiting room to the clinic.

‘It was nothing, Sara’ Peter said, backtracking. He should never have told her Neal had been feeling anxious enough to hole up in the men’s washroom before finally going in for his procedure. He’d wanted to make sure she knew he’d had some Valium so she could prepare herself for ‘loopy’ Neal – a spectacle they’d both been privy to on a few occasions.

Sara’s reaction was over the top, something Peter should have known to expect; after all, he’d had enough dealings with Ms Ellis over the years to know she didn’t take any guff. She seemed to recover, perhaps for Peter’s sake and when next she spoke, her voice had grown quieter.

‘Was he okay when he went in?’ she asked, softening her stance.

‘He was fine’ Peter lied, anxious to get out of there and let Sara take over.

‘Well, thanks for getting him here’ she said as she prepared to return to the waiting room.

WCWCWC

Neal lay on the comfy table, humming as he looked around the room waiting for Alice to return with Sara. He realized he was lying there with a jockstrap and nothing else and he thought it might be a good idea to slip into his underwear and pants before they returned. Despite the nurse’s orders to stay put, he managed to swing his legs off the table and with one swift movement he attempted to stand as the room began to spin around him. The next he knew, he was lying on the ground in a pile, laughing out loud at his predicament, unable to get his overly relaxed body to cooperate. He crawled over to where his pants were and was sitting there with one sock half-way on and his other leg in one of his pant legs when the door opened.

‘Mr. Caffrey!’ Alice said as she ran over to where he half-lay on the ground.

Neal looked up amused, seeing Sara come in behind Alice and giving her a warm Caffrey smile.

‘Honey! You’re here!’ he exclaimed as Alice hurried over to help him sit up.

‘I’m fine, I’m fine’ he repeated, his voice slurred, as he pushed her hands away.

From where the women stood, Neal was anything but fine. He’d put his foot into the wrong pant leg and his sock lay limply off his foot while his hair hung in his eyes, totally mussed.

‘Here, I’ll do that’ Sara said as she stepped forward to help Alice with the uncooperative patient.

‘Why don’t I go out and get your discharge papers and give you a minute’ Alice agreed, glad for a chance to step out for a moment.

‘Neal’ Sara said condescendingly as if she were talking to a two year old. ‘What are you doing on the floor?’

He gave her a crooked smile, his eyes half-shut. ‘I wanted to surprise you... and put on my clothes by myself’ he muttered.

‘Okay’ Sara said with a laugh. ‘Well... honey, you do that every day and ... I’ll admit it’s impressive but why don’t you let me give you a hand.’

‘O-kay’ Neal agreed readily as he let his head fall back.

‘Are you in any pain, sweetie?’ Sara asked, suddenly worried about what he’d just been through.

‘Nnnno pain’ Neal mumbled.

‘Good. Here... put your foot here’ she said as she guided his leg. ‘The other one, honey...’

‘Now, we can have sex all the time!’ Neal declared a little too loudly.

‘Well, let’s give you a chance to recover first...’ Sara said, guiding his leg into his pant leg.

‘No, I’m fine. You want to do it... here?’ he whispered as he leered at his wife.

‘No, Neal. We’re not doing it here’ she answered patiently, putting an end to the subject. ‘Honey, didn’t you tell them how sensitive you are to tranquilizers.’

‘I tried’ Neal slurred. ‘But they made me’ he said, like a child who’d been given something against his will.

‘God, how much stuff did they give you?’ Sara asked rhetorically as she carefully tucked him into his pants and zipped him up. ‘Here, give me your arm.’

Neal looked at her goofily, seemingly forgetting what an arm was.

‘Your arm, Neal’ Sara repeated as she forcibly took him by the arm and struggled to help him stand.

It took a couple of attempts but Neal finally stood, hanging onto the table to keep from falling. With one arm around him, Sara guided him over to the desk, setting him down on one of the chairs and hoping he wouldn’t topple over.

‘Balls... everywhere balls’ Neal muttered as he grabbed for a couple of the golf balls on the table and threw one against the far wall with a loud giggle.

‘Neal, stop it!’ Sara whispered as she grabbed for his hand but not before he let another one fly through the room, hitting the baseball display and making it rattle. 

She watched in horror as it almost toppled and before she knew it, Neal had used his other hand and was armed once again.

‘Neal!’ she said louder. ‘Look at me. We’re in a doctor’s office!’

‘I know where we are’ Neal said with a loopy grin. ‘Did you change your mind... about making out?’ he asked as he ran his other hand suggestively up her leg.

‘Look at me!’ Sara said, now losing patience with her husband. ‘That’s enough. I swear, you’re worse than a two year old.’

‘A two year old can’t do this...’ Neal said his voice singing as he proudly as he let his hand linger up between her legs.

The door opened and Neal sat up straight; even in his muddled state he knew better to start making out with his wife when there was a spectator nearby.

‘Alright’ Alice said, all business as she took a seat behind the desk and invited Sara to sit next to Neal on the comfortable leather chair.

‘Just a few instructions’ she began as she handed Sara a typewritten sheet. ‘First off, when the freezing comes out, Mr. Caffrey will have some pain. There’ll probably be some swelling and a lot of men get bruising around the testicles. Ice helps and I suggest some painkillers although I see he’s quite sensitive to meds... you might try him on extra strength Tylenol every four hours but here’s a prescription for something stronger if that’s not enough. So, no strenuous activity for 48 hours, no lifting...’

Neal watched with interest as Alice’s lips moved but, surprisingly, he wasn’t understanding any of the words she was saying. His mind wandered and he thought about grabbing a few more golf balls and trying to hit that lamp in the far corner. He looked sideways at Sara, looking so damn serious as her eyes remained glued to the nurse sitting across from her.

Sara... she was always so stern, he thought as he plotted some mischief he could get himself into while he waited for this boring lecture to be over. He was aware that Alice couldn’t see what his hands were doing and he decided to have a little fun by moving his hand onto Sara’s lap and trying to push it down between her legs. Sara let out a small gasp and Neal smiled at himself, satisfied at the trouble he was causing. Her hand moved discretely to try to contain his but he was determined and he continued with his inappropriate movements, feeling very clever indeed as he grinned widely, his eyes returning to Alice’s face. His attention moved to a small freckle on the tip of her nose and Neal began to study it carefully as his hand finally relaxed in Sara’s. It was cute, right there on the end of her nose and Neal had a sudden and overwhelming urge to reach out and touch it as he continued to stare at Alice, watching as her mouth continued to move. 

‘...no shower for 24 hours and no bath for five days. He can eat normally and you can resume normal sexual activity in a couple of days if he’s up to it...’

At the mention of sex, Neal gave a big smile. ‘Oh, I’m up to it...’ he said triumphantly, his voice slurred as Sara frowned at him.

‘Sorry’ Sara said as she looked at Alice. ‘I really should have mentioned that he’s very sensitive to tranquilizers and pain killers’ Sara said.

‘Don’t worry about it. Just give him a few hours and he’ll be complaining about the pain’ Alice said, although that didn’t sound particularly reassuring.

‘Nnno pain...’ Neal muttered as Sara gave him a look of rebuke. 

‘Alright, well here are two containers’ Alice continued as she held up a couple of plastic bottles. ‘We need samples at six weeks and twelve weeks. All together, he needs 15 to 20 ejaculations to complete clear any semen from his system so make sure you use protection in the meantime.’

Sara nodded seriously as Neal giggled at the word ‘ejaculation’. It really was a very funny word.

‘If you like...’ Alice said, as she stood. ‘...I could ask one of our interns to help you get him to the car.’

‘That would be great, thanks’ Sara admitted. The thought of getting ultra-relaxed Neal to the car seemed like an overwhelming task at the moment and she had a fleeting regret for not asking Peter to wait.

‘Well, thank you for everything’ Sara said as she stood and looked down at Neal, looking perfectly useless as he sat in the chair, practically slithering off and onto the ground.

The large man who helped Sara get Neal settled in the car practically had to carry him out of the building but not before Neal shared his words of wisdom with everyone in the waiting room.

‘Get the drugs!’ he yelled out as he was carried out followed by a very embarrassed looking Sara.

The drive home was an adventure as Sara tried to navigate late afternoon traffic in Manhattan with Neal’s constant roaring in her ears. As always, he seemed to revert to show tunes whenever he was high on meds – his voice bellowing when he hit those high notes. By the time they got home, Sara had a massive headache and she couldn’t wait to get her husband settled on the couch so she could have a tumbler of scotch. She’d called ahead and Hope was waiting for them at the door to help her dad into the house.

‘What happened to him?’ she asked as she put an arm around his back to support him. 

Neal’s eyes went from his wife to his daughter, that goofy smile still on his lips. ‘You two are the best, do you know that?’ he asked, as he stood immobile, unable to walk and talk at the same time.

‘Honey, your legs...keep moving’ Sara admonished as he took another two steps.

‘I mean it. Honey, you’re the best thing I ever did’ he slurred, looking at Hope. ‘Well, you and your brother, that is’ he continued as he stopped moving again.

‘NEAL!’ Sara said, urging him along. ‘Why don’t you tell us all about it when we get you settled inside?’

‘Okay’ Neal said in agreement as he took another few steps.

‘Hey, there’s Myrtle!’ he said as he stopped once again.

‘Myrtle!’ he called out to their next door neighbor. ‘Guess what? I just had a vasectomy!’

‘Good for you Neal!’ she called out unexpectedly.

Sara rolled her eyes as Myrtle Stevens waved back, undeterred. ‘Good luck Sara!’ she added.

It took a good five minutes for what should have been a 45 second trek to the couch in the family room and Sara and Hope put Neal down as gently as possible. Sara knew it was just a question of time before the freezing dissipated and Neal was left with a very sore scrotum. 

‘Honey!’ Neal said, dreamily as he finally settled in. ‘Why didn’t you tell me it was going to be so easy?’

She kissed the top of his head, knowing full well they were not out of the woods yet.

‘You are so brave, Neal’ she managed to say with a straight face. ‘So brave!’

TBC


	10. Chapter 10

'Ring-a-ling' Sara heard in the distance as she and Hope finished changing the sheets on her bed.

Hope looked up at her mom with quiet exasperation. 'It's your turn' she said as Sara rolled her eyes.

'I'm pretty sure it's _your_ turn... but I'll go' Sara responded as she finished tucking in the corner of the sheet.

Except for the continuous jingling of the small pewter bell, the house had been relatively quiet for a Friday night; Liam was out to dinner with Mozzie followed by a sleepover at one his godfather's safe houses and Sara was helping Hope tidy up her room while Neal recuperated from his earlier ordeal at Dr. Kirkwood's clinic.

Things had been fine for the first couple of hours after they'd gotten back; Neal had flaked out on the couch and slept off the rest of his drugged stupor but he'd awakened shortly after six o'clock and he'd been ringing that goddam bell every few minutes ever since.

Sara had fond memories of the small tinkling bell; it was one of the few things she'd rescued from her childhood home after her parents had passed away. It brought back memories of her and Emily being catered to by their mom whenever they were under the weather with stomach flu or a nasty cold. All they had to do was give it a little rattle and their mom inevitably appeared with a loving smile and a cup of hot cocoa. Sara had used it with both Hope and Liam as they grew up; after all, its sound was a lot more pleasant than hearing 'Mom' called out repeatedly.

Neal, on the other hand, had been thoroughly abusing the damn thing for the past couple of hours. Sara pasted on a sweet smile and came down to the family room where Neal lay moaning on the couch.

'Everything okay?' she asked as Neal scowled.

'I think I need a new bag of peas' he whined as he lifted the one he'd been cradling against his groin for the past half hour. 'These are getting mushy.'

'Okay' Sara answered, her voice unruffled, as she walked over to the freezer and grabbed for another bag of frozen peas. She picked up the permanent marker she'd left on the kitchen counter and proceeded to write _'Daddy's peas'_ on it; after all, no one was particularly keen on eventually finding those peas on their dinner plate.

'Let me have a look' she said as Neal stretched out his leg, letting out a small pained cry at her gentle touch. To be honest, the whole thing looked pretty nasty and Sara poked gently at Neal's groin, noticing the swelling and the beginning of a dark, brooding bruise right at the base of his scrotum.

'Awww' she said in empathy. 'That looks sore, baby!'

Neal gave her a nod accompanied by a sullen pout. He didn't need much encouragement to continue his wallowing and he let out a loud whimper, recoiling at her touch, tucking the bag of frozen vegetables inside his jockstrap and proceeding to curl up on himself.

Sara gave him an encouraging kiss on the top of the head and was halfway up the stairs when the bell rang again. She bit her tongue and reappeared, standing expectantly in Neal's slight line.

'I can't reach the remote' he declared sweetly, arm outstretched.

She grabbed for the remote control which was just out of his reach and handed it over to him with a forced smile.

'Anything else you need?' she asked patiently, trying hard to control the frustration which was beginning to bubble just below the surface.

Neal shook his head in response. 'Thanks honey.'

'You sure you don't want anything to drink?' she double checked.

'Naw, I'm good' Neal said as he turned his attention back to the television.

'Okay, well, I'll be upstairs if you need anything' she said as she started to leave. Her back had been turned all of two seconds when the little bell chimed again and she rolled her eyes.

She turned to find Neal looking up at her with a dopey smile and puppy dog eyes. 'You want to come sit with me?' he asked, his eyes pleading.

Sara gave him a small smile; she might as well stay nearby, after all she'd already gotten her cardio in for the week, having been up and down the stairs at least a half dozen times.

'Sure' she said as Neal made a production of making room for her on the couch.

He lay his head against her shoulder, his voice plaintive. 'I did it for you' he murmured.

This time, her smile was sincere and she patted his hand. 'I know honey, I know.'

WCWCWC

Sara Ellis had suffered more than her fair share of sleepless nights what with being a mom to two young children.There was the time Liam got that interminable flu and was up every hour on the hour for a straight week and the time Hope had her three month vaccinations and had kept them up day and night.But nothing could have possibly prepared her for the fallout of a freshly vasectomised Neal Caffrey. 

The constant moaning was accompanied by loud whimpers and punctuated by sharp little yelps whenever he changed positions on the bed and Sara was growing increasingly anxious to pack up and move to the downstairs couch... which she was planning to do the moment Neal finally dropped off.

‘Honey’ she said, with all the patience she could possibly muster.‘Maybe, you’d sleep better if I went downstairs.’

‘No, no’ Neal pleaded as he moved gingerly on the bed towards her, hand permanently on his groin to keep from jostling.‘I _need_ you here.’

‘But Neal, neither one of us is getting any sleep’ she countered, the voice of reason.

Neal looked at her all dewey-eyed.He’d thus far refused to take anything stronger than Advil but, for the past hour, Sara had been eyeing the small bottle of Vicodin Dr. Kirkwood had prescribed as it sat beckoning on the bedside table.

‘Why don’t you just take one of those painkillers the doctor prescribed’ she asked, at her wit’s end.

‘You know how weird I get on those things’ Neal whined.‘And they make me throw up.’

‘But at least you’ll get some sleep’ Sara said, removing the child proof cap and taking one of the small white pills in the palm of her hand.She raised it up towards Neal’s face and gave him a pleading look.

‘Will you stay with me?’ he asked, his voice almost childlike.

‘Sure’ she lied without blinking an eye.

‘Alright’ he mumbled, taking the pill from her hand. ‘But don’t blame me if I get sick all over the bed.’

Sara stood and returned momentarily with a glass of water for Neal to take his pill with and he reached out for her with one hand, his other hand not wanting to let go of the jockstrap he was still wearing.He turned onto his right side and Sara positioned herself behind him, her arms around his chest as he brought up his left hand to place on top of hers... just in case she tried to get away.

Within minutes, he’d dropped off but not before telling her that he had always wanted to skydive and why hadn’t he done it and was it too late to learn.Sara let out a sigh of relief at the eventual silence and hoped that would be the end of it... at least until morning.

WCWCWC

‘So, how bad is it?’ Elizabeth asked as the women sat at the Caffrey kitchen table.

‘Think worst case scenario... then multiply it by ten’ Sara answered, tongue in cheek.

‘Awww. Poor guy!’ El said in an uncharacteristic show of empathy; she always did have a soft spot for Neal.

‘Poor guy?Poor me!’ Sara answered.‘I’ve been catering to his every little whim for the past twenty four hours.’

‘I suppose...’ El said, thoughtful.‘But you have to admit, he’s always been there for you whenever you’ve been sick.’

Sara thought back to the year from hell while she was going through her cancer treatments; Neal had been at her beck and call day and night... and that had lasted a lot longer than a few days.

‘You’re right.I would have made a _terrible_ nurse’ Sara admitted.‘I just can’t stand the moaning and if I hear that goddam bell one more time, I swear to God, El, I’m gonna throw it out the window.’

Right on cue, the bell could be heard in the distance. 

WCWCWC

‘So, on a scale of one to ten, how bad is the pain?’ Peter asked as he sat in the armchair in the Caffrey bedroom.

He didn’t remember _ever_ being in Neal and Sara’s bedroom and it felt strange to be sitting there, keeping Neal company while he lay curled up in the bed.

‘Eleven’ Neal answered, deadpan.

Peter scoffed, thinking back to all the minor mishaps Neal had suffered over the years – all those bumps and bruises while he worked undercover.

‘Neal, you were shot in the leg, for crying out loud.That had to be worse than this’ Peter argued.

‘Nnnno!’ Neal answered adamantly.‘This is _much_ worse.’

Peter stared back, not believing a word.Neal could be such a drama queen when he let himself go.It was a bloody vasectomy not open heart surgery.

‘So when do you go back to work?’ Peter asked.

‘I don’t know... a couple of weeks’ Neal whined.

‘A couple of weeks!’ Peter exclaimed.‘When you went for the consult, the doctor told you you’d be back on your feet in a couple of days.’

‘I guess...’ Neal answered with a pout as he reached listlessly for the little bell and gave it a decisive shake.

Peter’s eyes narrowed at the sound.‘What do you need, buddy?I can get it for you’ he said, preparing to rise.

‘It’s okay’ Neal answered dismissively.‘Sara doesn’t mind.’

WCWCWC

The weekend passed at a snail's pace and Neal slowly but surely began to pull himself together.The little bell somehow disappeared from the bedside table (where the hell had it gone to anyway?) and Sara encouraged Neal to get up and move around a little more.He’d developed a hell of a large bruise on his testicles but the swelling seemed to be going down as the days wore on and by Sunday night, they decided to go out for dinner.Neal brought along a cushion to sit on and the four of them settled down to a family meal out for the first time in a couple of weeks. 

Sara had to admit that watching Neal Caffrey walk as if he’d just gotten off a horse was amusing; he’d had that annoying strut since the day she’d first laid eyes on him in that court of law and seeing him struggle just to put one foot in front of the other was mildly disconcerting. 

By the middle of the week, Neal was back to work and the moaning and groaning had mostly faded as he began to wean off all the pain meds and return to his regular life.

Unfortunately, despite all the pain and suffering, Neal wasn’t yet reaping the benefits of his huge sacrifice and when he and Sara resumed having sex the following weekend, it was very gingerly and sadly, it was with the use of a condom.

‘Last box’ Neal declared as he took out one of the twelve remaining condoms.‘We’re not buying any more of these... ever!’

He grabbed for something from the bedside table as Sara lay there expectantly. 

‘Neal!’ she said, slightly miffed at the fact his eyes had moved away from her and towards a sheet of paper that had suddenly materialized.‘Over here!’

‘Yeah, just sec.I need to start counting my... you know... I need 15 to 20 before we can send the first sample in’ he said as he jotted something down.

Sara shook her head, trying to stay in the zone.‘Always the romantic, Caffrey’ she groaned.

WCWCWC

Sara heard a soft whimpering sound as she walked past their bedroom door carrying a basket full of clean laundry. Neal had said something about taking a nap and she wondered if he might be having a bad dream. Ever since the procedure, he'd been a little off and his sleep patterns seemed to be turned upside down. She pressed her ear against the door, listening for any further sounds, urged on by a soft, plaintive and yet vaguely familiar moan.

She put the laundry basket down and placed her hand on the doorknob, pushing the door open gently so as not to wake her husband - if indeed he _was_ snoozing. She was met with a disturbing sight, something she'd always feared she might walk in on someday – although, in her imagination, she was walking in on a pre-adolescent Liam and not her 49 year old husband.

'Sara!' Neal said with horror as he immediately removed his hand from his groin and sat up in the bed.

Sara looked flustered for a brief moment as she pulled her gaze away; Neal didn't fist his mister much anymore, their regular romps in the sheets were usually more than enough to satisfy his sexual appetite.

'What are you…?' she stopped before finishing her sentence. It was more than obvious _what_ he'd been doing.

'I was just…' Neal began nervously, feeling like a pimply faced pre pubescent kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar.

Laughter broke out as the two of them stared at each other, realizing how silly they both must look; Sara’s mouth agape and Neal looking like he’d just been snagged robbing a museum. Sara moved to the edge of the bed and took a seat, glancing at the sheet of paper Neal had been keeping nearby with the strange stats as he diligently worked himself up to 20 'post-vasectomy' discharges.

'So, how many are you up to?' she asked.

'This is number thirteen' he said, looking somewhat embarrassed.

She grinned and suddenly she was feeling a little naughty. 'Can I give you a hand with that?'

Neal's face relaxed into a wide grin. 'Lucky thirteen!' he exclaimed as grabbed for his wife's hand.

TBC


	11. Chapter 11

‘Oh my God! He is soooo cute!’ Hope squealed as she cradled the tiny baby in her arms.

Neal and Sara exchanged apprehensive looks and Neal spoke up hastily. 

‘Well, don’t go getting any ideas!’ he warned his daughter as he touched the baby’s head tenderly.

‘Daaaad!’ Hope whined, returning her eyes to little Michael Jedediah Jones.

Clinton got up from the comfortable spot he’d been occupying on the Caffrey couch and made his way over. 

‘You’re a natural, Hope’ he said to the young teen, frowning as Neal gave him a disapproving glare.

‘What?’ Jones asked, not sure what he’d said to elicit such a reaction from the usually relaxed Caffrey.

‘Just wait until you have a teenage daughter’ Neal responded as his eyes returned to the beautiful baby.

‘We won’t be gone long’ Ivy said to Sara as the two women sat side by side.

Sara shooed her away. ‘Ivy, enjoy... it’s your first night out in six weeks. I promise we’ll take really good care of him.’

‘I know...’ the woman answered sweetly. ‘It’s just that...’

Sara looked over at the new mom with a warm smile. ‘Believe me, I get it. I remember the first date night Neal and I had after Hope was born. We were a wreck ... and she was with Peter and Elizabeth! But Neal and I kept checking in and I think we ended up talking about her the whole night.’

‘Not the whole night’ Neal said with a devilish grin.

Ivy Jones nodded. ‘Well, the diapers are in the bag and there are two bottles of breast milk, although I’m sure he won’t need two... I just fed him before coming over and...’

‘Ivy, Ivy’ Sara interrupted, hand on her friend’s arm. ‘You’re covered. We’ve got this.’

Ivy nodded and stood. Suddenly, it was Clinton who was having trouble tearing himself away from his newborn son.

‘Caffrey, you’ve got our cell phone numbers and the number of the restaurant is in the bag and here’s the make and license plate of our car just in case...’

‘Jones, we’ve got this. Don’t worry. Go out and enjoy yourselves...and don’t hurry back’ Neal said as he ushered his friend out the door.

He watched as the couple drove away, turning to his wife who was cradling the little guy.

‘New parents!’ he exclaimed with a wide grin.

WCWCWC

‘Here, let me try’ Sara said as she reached out to take the screaming infant from Neal’s arms.

She walked the length of the house, bopping up and down in the hopes of getting the baby to calm down. What had begun as soft moaning had grown to epic proportions over the past hour as his insistent cries had culminated to inconsolable screams.

‘I don’t get it. He was fine a little while ago’ Neal lamented, following in Sara’s footsteps with the bottle of breast milk in his hands. ‘Do you want to try feeding him again?’

Sara took the bottle from Neal’s hands and attempted to place it in the baby’s mouth; he was screaming so loud, he had no interest in taking it.

‘Daaad’ Liam said as he appeared at the bottom of the staircase. ‘I’m trying to finish my homework.’

Neal walked over to his son, glancing back over his shoulder at Sara holding the crying infant. ‘I know, buddy. We’re doing our best, here. Try listening to some music, okay?’

Liam trudged back up the stairs towards his room. He couldn’t quite believe that, at one point, he used to pray for a baby brother.

‘Maybe, I could take him out for a car ride. That used to work with Liam’ Neal suggested, rapidly running out of ideas.

‘We don’t have his car seat!’ Sara reminded him as she continued with the odd little jig.

‘Right’ Neal mumbled as he continued to pace.

‘You’re sure there’s no soother in there?’ Sara asked as Neal rushed over to the diaper bag and began removing every single item therein for the third time.

‘No’ he declared, putting everything back. ‘Let me try singing to him again’ he volunteered as Sara rolled her eyes.

‘What? It used to work with Hope’ Neal reminded her as she handed little Michael over.

Sara glanced nervously at the clock. It was going on nine o’clock and with the warm summer weather, all the windows in the house were open; it was just a question of time before one of the neighbors started complaining about the loud wailing. She watched as Neal sang to the baby, his voice barely heard over the loud cries; he was giving him his full repertoire, from ‘Twinkle, twinkle little star’ to ‘Hush little baby’ – all the classics – and yet there was no sign that the little Jones man was winding down.

More than anything, Sara was worried that Clinton and Ivy would return and find their baby in such a state. They would be traumatized and would never want to go out again or worse yet, would never trust them with their little guy.

The sound of Neal’s soft voice was being drowned out and Sara began to worry they would never find a way to calm the baby down.

‘Let’s try laying him on his tummy’ she suggested as Neal came over to join her on the couch. 

He placed the tiny infant on his stomach across his lap, rubbing his back gently to no avail: the baby was having none of it, his tiny legs kicking up as he continued to wail breathlessly.

‘Nope...’ Neal said with a wayward glance to his wife.

‘Let me check his diaper again’ Sara began as Neal gently turned the baby over.

Footsteps came bounding down the stairs and the harried babysitters looked up to find their daughter standing there, hands on her hips.

‘Mom, this is ridiculous’ Hope said, appearing before her parents. ‘Did you try the soother?’

‘What soother?’ Sara asked, eyes wide.

She watched as Hope walked over to the kitchen counter, returning with a blue soother in her hand.

‘This one’ Hope said with an eye roll. ‘Ivy said he needed it to fall asleep.’

‘What the...’ Neal said with a sigh as he took the item from his daughter’s hand and placed it gently on the baby’s lips.

Little Michael immediately recognized the familiar item and latched on, his breathing irregular as he began sucking madly on the soother to Neal and Sara’s relief.

‘Why didn’t you say anything before?’ Sara asked, flustered.

‘Mom, you were standing right there when Ivy told me about it’ Hope complained. ‘Did you guys really have two babies of your own?’ she huffed before turning on her heels and returning from whence she’d come.

Silence gradually returned to the Caffrey house as Neal and Sara resumed normal breathing.

‘Oh, my God! That was brutal’ Neal exclaimed as he placed the baby between them on the couch. His little face was puffy from having cried and Sara gently wiped the tears off his cheeks as his eyes finally floated shut, his mouth madly sucking on the baby soother.

They fell back on the couch, totally exhausted. It had been a long time since they’d had to deal with a crying newborn and they were getting long in the tooth to be dealing with such a demanding task.

‘Can you believe we had two babies of our own?’ Sara asked as she turned to face Neal, head thrown back against the couch.

‘I know. How did we ever do it?’ Neal answered, running his hand through his hair.

‘Well, for one thing, we were a lot younger’ Sara whispered, not wanting to wake the snoozing baby.

Neal glanced down at little Michael. ‘He is awfully cute, though’ he said, running his hand down his tiny face.

Sara’s face grew dark suddenly and Neal immediately knew what she was thinking. ‘You realize that if we’d had little Hannah, she’d be about four months old now...’ Sara said, suddenly sad.

Neal reached out to take her hand as he smiled wistfully at her. The baby they’d lost, a little girl, was never far from their minds, the loss still painfully fresh after almost a year.

No words were necessary and after a moment of silence, their gazes returned to the little bundle of joy that lay between them.

WCWCWC

‘He was no trouble at all’ Sara lied as Clinton picked up the sleeping baby in his arms.

Neal gave her a stunned look – all this time, he’d thought he was the reformed conman in their coupling.

‘Anytime you two need to get away’ Neal added. ‘We’d love to have him.’

Ivy reached out, hugging Sara. ‘Thanks guys. It was really nice to get away for a couple of hours.’

Sara and Neal stood out on their front porch, waving their friends off. It was a beautiful, warm night and they lingered for a moment, arms around each other, before stepping back into the house. They started tidying up, getting ready for bed. Having to deal with a screaming baby had taken its toll on them and even though it was just past ten o’clock, they were both ready to hit the sack.

‘What’s this?’ Neal asked as he picked up the piece of paper he’d found by the phone in the kitchen. 

Sara handed him his reading glasses which Neal proceeded to perch on the end of his nose. 

‘It’s the clinic. When did they call?’ he said, noticing his daughter’s handwriting.

Sara’s ears perked up. They’d been waiting for a few days on Neal’s sample which had been sent in for testing. 

‘Hope!’ he called up as he heard her bedroom door open in the distance.

‘What?’ she called down from the top of the stairs.

‘When did the clinic call?’ Neal asked, making his way to the bottom of the staircase.

‘This aft’ she answered, annoyed at being interrupted while she was listening to her music.

Neal looked expectantly for her to continue. ‘Well?’ he finally said. ‘What did they say?’

‘The woman just said to tell you ‘All clear’ whatever that means’ Hope answered before disappearing. 

She didn’t see the smile erupt on her dad’s face. 

WCWCWC

Neal lay on his back, watching Sara undress. It had been a long time coming. Two sperm tests and countless weeks later, they had finally gotten the long awaited green light. Neal couldn’t wait to finally reap the benefits of the painful procedure and its aftermath. The weeks following the vasectomy had been rough. His incision had developed an infection and he’d been on antibiotics for weeks before it finally healed properly and the scab fell off. Everything seemed to be in working order since then although they were still using the horrible condoms. He reached over for the box in the bedside table, noting there were still two left in the box.

‘Here’ he said, handing them over to Sara. ‘Do you want to do the honors?’

‘With pleasure!’ she said with a gleam in her eye as she headed towards the bathroom.

‘Hurry back!’ he called with that same naughty look.

Sara made her way to the washroom and took one last look at the box of condoms before dumping it unceremoniously it in the garbage can by the toilet. Finally, the ordeal was over. No more waiting. Starting now, they were finally free to engage in sex anytime they wanted without the worry of an unwanted pregnancy. 

She brushed her teeth and her hair and she applied a little bit of lipstick – even though it was bedtime. She gave herself a little spritz of the perfume Neal had given her for Christmas – his favorite scent. Not that he’d need any encouragement. She took one last look in the mirror, not bad for a 44 year old mother of two, she thought as she turned out the light and headed back to the boudoir to the arms of her loving husband.

‘You know I thought this day would never come’ she said as she stepped in, noticing Neal lying flat on his back, eyes closed.

She climbed onto the bed beside him and leaned in close to his face. ‘Cute Caffrey, pretending to be asleep.’

She could hear the now familiar sound of soft snoring – something she’d become increasingly familiar with as the years passed. 

‘Caffrey?’ she repeated as he lay there, motionless, dead to the world.  
She let herself fall onto her pillow and shook her head as she stifled a yawn. Being caregiver to a newborn sure took it out of you! She reached over for the bedside lamp and turned it off, curling up against Neal who was still sound asleep.

‘Rain check, Caffrey...’ she muttered before promptly nodding off.

La fin


End file.
